We all now know that Jon Snow is a Targaryen. So no need to delve into my reasons he is the second head of the dragon. Instead we will look at what the two heads have in common to find the the third head and my reasons for why he(yeah yeah its another Tyrion Targaryen theory) is the third dragon rider.
Danyaerys was conceived by a form of rape, marital rape. Those facts are known. Jon Snow whether it was a consensual relationship to the grown man crowned prince or a forceful one(my money on it was consensual but that doesn't matter it is still a form of rape) the sexual relationship to a 15-16 year old GIRL is, statutory rape. All the woman of Westeros LOVED Rhegar, so Lyanna naturally most likely harbored a crush for him too. Especially after he named her the Queen of beauty or whatever after winning the tourney, she was probably swooning for him. Now regardless of that's the normal age back then argument makers, this is not real its fiction there weren't people-eating dragons in medieval England/Scotland (south westeros above Dorne [Morocco] /North westeros) and this book was written at a time where statutory rape is a crime and thankfully still is. Every girl dreams of being with a prince, he probably gave her a phony wedding and a speech about responsbility to man kind and the dragon has threee heads and boom here's Jonny. So with that said most people are going to say but Tywin loved Joanna he would never rape her. You are absolutely right but according to the World book in the Ice and Fire universe, in 272 Joanna was in Kings Landing and in 273 Tyrion is born. Its rumored he had a tail which another stillborn Targ baby is said to have, and Tywin has repeatedly stated you are not my son, i raised you as my own, crap you dont say to your own child (i did not say flesh and blood because Joanna is his first cousin so that makes Tyrion his second cousin...on a darker note it makes Jaime and Cersei that too and i guess they are also what? Third cousins with eachother? Not sure if that makes their relationship worst or not as bad [pretend they are just 3rd cousins and not fraternal twins] and could explain why they have such hots for eachother they themselves are born of incest)(also disregard all clerical errors because i don't care, am doing this from my phone, and a sleeping 2 year old on my right arm because she woke up in the middle of the night and finds me anywhere so im extremely uncomfortable, cant sleep, and am hashing out my 2 cents on the prophecy)
Update: I wrote this at the reveal of season 6 finale amd never published it. So I am going to now lol without doing anything to it but adding to the end of.
Viserion was described as having Lannister features. Gold, lion claws etc. Well we now know that Viserion died at the hands of the night king. But when Viserion was risen it was different than a wight rising, which is a simple dead man being raised. When you look at a white Walker eyes and a wights eyes they are different. WW have a darker blue with lines throughout them go Google them its very different and wights have lighter blue eyes that just glow they dont look the same. Now recall hardhome...wights are raised without touching, just SHRUGGING created a whole army of wights...also we have seen "wight" animals like the zombie bear and horses, they have eyes like the wights not the WW. We've seen a WW creation as well, it required touch, on the baby, its eyes turned into WW eyes not wights eyes. WW are also intelligent thinking autonomous creatures, not puppets like the wights. So with Viserion i believe that the night king knew that a wight dragon wouldn't be powerful enough to bring down the wall. Wights are weak compared to WW. He could have brought the dragon back as a wight like he did with Hardhome and it would have flown out the water without being touched. We saw him do it before with a whole army. So HE CAN DO IT and GoTs is all about foreshadowing and they dont do things for no reason. Viserion was turned into a WW instead of a wight. If you have noticed they take babies for WW probably for a reason...they still remember their old lives. Viserion had a whole life before becoming a WW. Including his relationship with Tyrion. Rhegal was going to blast Tyrion and stopped he also screeched at Tyrion but Viserion didn't. Viserion allowed Tyrion to touch him, to take off his chains first, and after Rhaegal saw Tyrion remove Viserions chains he allowed him to remove his and yet didn't allow him to touch his body like Viserion did.
They even both have the "rion" in theyre names and if i am correct then Tyrion is Dany's brother and Viserion would be a portmanteau of both Dany's brothers names even though she intended to name him after Viserys jer brother just like she named Rhaegal after Rhaegar her brother and Rhaegar had a son Jon Snow and its obvious thay Jon will ride the dragon that was named for his father.
Tyrion also built a saddle for himself to allow him to ride, he will most likely do the same for Viserion who will undoubtedly overcome his WW nature to protect the Targaryens or be warged into by Bran. But i believe that he will simply choose Tyrion. Maybe he gets hurt and discarded by the Night King by a scorpion bolt. Which brings me to this...
Tyrion has a saying that is a Tyrion saying and no one else's. "Soft spot for Cripples, bastards, and broken things"
We have seen Bran=Cripples
Jon=bastards
So Viserion =broken things....right?!
I haven't witnessed anything else to complete that. There are other reasons why and i wont repeat them because they are easily found and they are not my ideas and im mo thief i only write my original thoughts.
People's biggest argument is the timing BUT IT ACTUALLY FITS IN A DIFFERENT BOOK!
the book is called a world of ice and fire i think...i could be wrong... but its a history book describing how Joanna brought Jaime and Cersei to court in kings landing around the time Tyrion would be conceived, he was born the following year. Apparently Aerys got inappropriate AGAIN because he was in love and obsessed with her and he was drunk and said something about how it was a pity that the twins ruined her breasts...idk something along those lines... well That's when Tywin quit being hand and took his family back to the rock. Then came Tyrion. That comment wasn't enough to make Tywin QUIT but a rape would...and it goes with my conceived of blood born of blood theory. The dragon heads were all conceived in some type of rape. I listed them above. Tyrion was conceived most likely during that feast so perhaps Joanna was drunk too..or she was medievally "roofied" which is why Tywin "can't prove that [Tyrion] is not [his] son" because Joanna wasn't conscious for it. She was Date Raped. Completing the trifecta of rape that the dragon heads endured. Aerys knew Tyrion was his, as a final poke at Tywin he took Tywin's heir from him into the kingsguard and refused to marry Cersei and Rhaegar together so that HIS TWISTED AND DEFORMED BASTARD would inherit the throne. Tywin constantly tells him that you ARE A LANNISTER not "my son" which is true if I am right. Joanna was Tywin's first cousin, she was already a Lannister. Just like Ned told Jon that he was a Stark despite the name he lacked he still had thr blood, AND HE DID HAVE STARK BLOOD VIA LYANNA!
Tyrion is a Targaryen. He will ride Viserion. Viserion is a White Walker not a wight.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
The Un Xpected Miracle Lost: chemical pregnancy after tubal ligation
I want a son. So badly it hurts. I can't believe I just wrote that. I have two beautiful daughters that I love more than life itself and I am beyond blessed to have them they ARE my MIRACLE!
In just don't feel complete. I DO have a stepson who I love with all my heart despite us being virtual strangers. I've cried more tears for my stepson than I have over everyone and everything in my life. I would literally sell my soul if it meant that his birther (I can't call a child abuser a mother you have no idea what she put him and his brother through and she shouldn't have goldfish let alone children but in order for children and youth services to save their own insignificant crooked asses for giving a mentally ill psychotic child abuser they had to cover up what she did which ended up putting those children back into her clutches. Its an insane and very long story, one I intend to tell...maybe I already have told it I can't remember... either way this is not that story) would FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER ALREADY IN PLACE AND JUST GIVE US WEEKENDS WITH OUR SON! Yes I just said that. I would sell my soul if it meant weekends with a child my husband did not make with me.
What woman says that? Do you know how many wives I've personally seen who HATED their husbands' illegitimate children? Who won't allow them in their homes or near family functions? Not me. I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars of my own money, sold my own belongings just to pay for that child, to buy him Christmas presents because his own incubator DID NOT! I even bought for his brother so he wouldn't feel left out because she won't let him have a father either! Its sick! But this is not that story right now. This is the story of how empty that space my boy, my son, has left in my heart and how desperately I yearn to fill it.
5 years ago I had gotten a tubal ligation because at the time my son was in foster care because children and youth is crooked, his birther is a pathological lying psychopathic sociopathic child abuser, and together they somehow hid the fact that my son had 2 loving parents he should have went to the minute the paramedics kicked that door in and saw him and his brother locked up like animals starving to death on the floor covered in feces just like the room they were in, eating bits of toys, furniture, paint chips, carpet to survive. Those children were so horrifically abused and traumatized that the foster mother adamantly demanded that those children never went back to that momster.... so children and youth replaced her. They made her believe that they were placing our son with us so she was willing for that but they put them with someone who was RELATED TO THE SOCIAL WORKER! Mind you my son's brother has been in foster care repeatedly for starvation and neglect, she is a REPEAT CHILD ABUSER! CHILDREN AND YOUTH ARE GIVING MONSTERS MORE CHANCES TO KILL KIDS!
Not getting our son broke us in ways you can't imagine. We still breakdown crying just hearing his name, clutching eachother while waves and waves of pure sorrow wash over us both. We lost a child and he's not dead. Just being held hostage by a psycho who refuses to allow us any contact and the court system does absolutely nothing. We have been to court numerous times in the past 7 years for her contempt and the courts do NOTHING! All our evidence we built up through the years means nothing, they don't even let us use it. She is a terror and in another post I will unload that. I am just spiraling right now getting caught up in the whirlpool of misery and anguish every time I try to explain how he is the missing piece of my heart, my soul, I get swept up in the pure fury and rage of the EVIL that is keeping us apart out of pure spite and fear. Fear that he will know what real love is. That he will know pure, real, true love from a real family. That he will see the misery that she puts him through is not normal and speak out against her abuse.
You don't know heartbreak until two three year old siblings(they are five months apart my daughter and my son and no one cheated on anyone he was conceived before I ever met my husband in a fling that involved a few different men...in the same night...my husband has super sperm I thought I was barren and he took it as a personal challenge since I only got pregnant once beforehand and lost it at 6 weeks after trying with my ex for years AND being dumped because of my infertility for a woman who already had a child...which is another long crazy story...well he managed to impregnate me in December, I met him in October... I didn't start sleeping with him until half way through November...less than a month of sex and 9 months later we had a little girl so his sperm is NO JOKE) are screaming and crying gripping eachothers arms and shirts while being torn apart because the supervised visit at the adoption agency they were held at was over. It broke every one's heart. He said repeatedly that he didn't want to go back to her, that he wanted to go with us. Children and youth saw this, saw he loved us, saw he was beginning to despise his birther so what did they do? They PREVENTED OUR VISITS FOR THREE MONTHS WHILE STILL ALLOWING HERS! Meanwhile they did everything they could to sabotage us. It was a nightmare. The adoption agency and foster mother who saw the birther was a monster and we were the obvious choice were changed and while we were forced away from him they were told by the birther and children and youth that we weren't showing up by choice, lying about us, making us the bad guys so that we lost when we went to court through children and youth, they covered up EVERYTHING! Even framed my husband for a crime he didn't commit... took us a year to beat the charges and have them dropped... a long crazy story for another time. We were dedicated to our son, before we were completely robbed from completing our family, we were under the belief that we were going to get full custody of him. So after the birth of our second daughter we were convinced that we would not HAVE to make a son of our own, that HE IS THAT SON, from the very beginning I loved him like my own and wanted to raise him with that love with my husband. So we decided that 2 daughters AND A SON was enough children so I had my tubes cut.
Once I realized that we were NEVER GETTING OUR SON, I began to deeply regret getting that tubal ligation. I didn't need to birth a son until I realized that I would have NO SON. He felt we abandoned him, that's what they told him, he was too young to know the truth. If you ever watched handmaid's tale when Hannah is face to face with June... it was just like that. He didn't and doesn't know that we fought like Arch Angels to be in his life....he just knows that we weren't in his life. They broke him. His little eyes seemed empty that day. They don't see that sweet boy for what he IS, they see him as a pawn, as property... they don't see that he is a PERSON! It broke my husband too. It broke us all. Every day we pray for him. Every day my daughters ask about him, cry for him. We only got to see him while he was in foster care. They never even notified my husband when they took his son from that slop house. I found out weeks after the fact by accident, they didn't know we were married. The letter came in my maiden name... the connection was we both had the same father name on our children's birth certificates.... COMPLETELY NEGATING THE LIE THEY TOLD THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHO HIS FATHER WAS DESPITE A DNA TEST DONE YEARS PRIOR, AN ACTIVE CUSTODY BATTLE FOR CONTEMPT OF THE COURT ORDERED AGREEMENT IN PLACE FOR YEARS, AND AN ACTIVE CHILD SUPPORT ORDER THAT WAS BEING PAID ALL BY MY HUSBAND AND THE FACT HIS NAME WAS ON THE DAMN BIRTH CERTIFICATE! WE GOT RAKED THROUGH THE COALS BECAUSE WE COULDN'T AFFORD A LAWYER AND SHE WAS ALREADY USING THE CHARITY ONES AND ITS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST!
I know life isn't fair but...come on... child abusers shouldn't have custody of children. Especially when there are two married parents who have healthy, happy children already!
So I have been praying like crazy for God to restore my tubed to working order. If you are reading this please pray for me too. I can never replace the son that was stolen from us, but I can ease that pain that I go through every day without him. We aren't perfect people. Since losing our son we were both pushed to our brinks, we were FINALLY coming back from that. Recently I started having symptoms of ovulation so when I was ovulating we made love several times. A week after ovulation I was surprised to see implantation bleeding. Then I started getting nausea and swelling in my breasts which were crazy sore and full of veins and my nipples were dark and bumpy. My cervix went from low closed and hard the day after ovulation to high soft closed when i spotted. I was pregnant and I knew it in my heart. I was happy. I was complete.
My husband, who only had a part time day job had just gotten hired full time at night for his second job, we were getting our lives back on track. So he went to a store to have a shirt bought for him for his new job...by his birther who he stupidly trusted although I begged him not to...she is the one who helped set him up...who made us lose our son before...all so she could get access to our son... the deal was to sabotage us and the other birther would let her in...well at least my son's birther double crossed her so my husband's birther got nothing. Lost her relationship with my children in the process. My husband's birther is also a child abusing momster, so much so that my husband was taken away by children and youth when he was 15 months old and he was ADOPTED by his real parents. They are estranged but I am working to mend that rift. They are good people. He made mistakes. He burned bridges, but bridges can be rebuilt.
Well the birther was supposed to go on the store to buy the clothes...which was stupid... had he come to me I would have gladly paid for everything...but alas... that isn't what happened. During his broken period a year ago he ended up on probation for trying to return stolen items. When you are on probation any police contact results in immediate ARREST. Well he had put everything down to go outside and see what was taking his birther so long to come inside...but he had forgotten he had a shirt around his neck. He does that all the time in stores....out of stores...he carries things around his neck for some reason...i wish he hadn't. His birther was furious that all her plots against him had failed, i always protected him, this time i couldn't, i wasn't there and he wouldn't hear me when I tried to convince him that she was out to get him....another crazy story for another time... so he walked straight into an adder's nest looking for a mother to love him, all he received was a knife in his back. That witch is dangerous, she drove his brother to suicide so she could gorge on attention and sympathies... another one of the 4 children OUT OF FIVE THAT SHE DIDN'T RAISE OR LOVE! So she saw her opportunity and took it. When the security woman came chasing him out of the store for the shirt she pulled off, leaving him there penniless...unable to pay for the shirt around his neck...making it a crime. The cops were called and he was jailed amd still in jail over one lousy shirt and i cried, i screamed, my heart raced until i was sick and dizzy. The stress and the strain was too much... I began to bleed very heavily.
I knew it wasn't a period. Too heavy, too many clots, too sick... I felt as if I were dying. Too much pain. Cramps like that are unnatural. Worse than labor pains. Labor pains were always happy pains to me...because they resulted in a child...but these pains only result in heartbreak. I could have let it go... believed that i was never pregnant in the first place but I had to know. I had to know if it was possible. If completing our family was even possible after a tubal ligation...maybe... at least i believe that it is... because during that horrible bleeding that lasted 7 days instead of my usual 4 i took a pregnancy test... and although it was incredibly faint, that second line did appear. I had hoped that maybe something would survive but a blood test showed that the amount was minuscule...and the next test i took was so light you could barely see it and the one i took today was completely stark white negative.
Its toxic to believe that had he not gone to prison that those tests would have gotten darker, that the bleed wouldn't have happened. That those sweet sweet symptoms would have gotten stronger instead of weaker but I refuse to accept such poisonous thoughts. What does it solve? All it will do is breed resentment.
Instead I mourn my child alone. A baby i will never hold. My husband doesn't even know anything yet because he is locked away and i can't have any contact for 10 days. Maybe I won't get a son on earth...i REFUSE to believe that. I hope and pray that when the time is finally right that God will grant me that, whether it be a son from my own womb or preferably my son who already exists. Like I said I'd give my soul just to have him in our lives for a fraction of the time. I feel like the the miscarriage before I met my husband and the now two chemical pregnancies that I have had with my husband would have all been sons. That's a toxic thought too. One way or another I am still Xpectin a MIRACLE. As long as I have faith I believe that it will happen someday. First things first...getting my husband away from his momster. Her constant sabotage is unnecessarily stressful. I hope someday soon I can feel that happiness again for that too short month. That feeling of fulfillment was unmatched...at least now I don't feel quite so empty....at least now I am filled with something.
Hope.
In just don't feel complete. I DO have a stepson who I love with all my heart despite us being virtual strangers. I've cried more tears for my stepson than I have over everyone and everything in my life. I would literally sell my soul if it meant that his birther (I can't call a child abuser a mother you have no idea what she put him and his brother through and she shouldn't have goldfish let alone children but in order for children and youth services to save their own insignificant crooked asses for giving a mentally ill psychotic child abuser they had to cover up what she did which ended up putting those children back into her clutches. Its an insane and very long story, one I intend to tell...maybe I already have told it I can't remember... either way this is not that story) would FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER ALREADY IN PLACE AND JUST GIVE US WEEKENDS WITH OUR SON! Yes I just said that. I would sell my soul if it meant weekends with a child my husband did not make with me.
What woman says that? Do you know how many wives I've personally seen who HATED their husbands' illegitimate children? Who won't allow them in their homes or near family functions? Not me. I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars of my own money, sold my own belongings just to pay for that child, to buy him Christmas presents because his own incubator DID NOT! I even bought for his brother so he wouldn't feel left out because she won't let him have a father either! Its sick! But this is not that story right now. This is the story of how empty that space my boy, my son, has left in my heart and how desperately I yearn to fill it.
5 years ago I had gotten a tubal ligation because at the time my son was in foster care because children and youth is crooked, his birther is a pathological lying psychopathic sociopathic child abuser, and together they somehow hid the fact that my son had 2 loving parents he should have went to the minute the paramedics kicked that door in and saw him and his brother locked up like animals starving to death on the floor covered in feces just like the room they were in, eating bits of toys, furniture, paint chips, carpet to survive. Those children were so horrifically abused and traumatized that the foster mother adamantly demanded that those children never went back to that momster.... so children and youth replaced her. They made her believe that they were placing our son with us so she was willing for that but they put them with someone who was RELATED TO THE SOCIAL WORKER! Mind you my son's brother has been in foster care repeatedly for starvation and neglect, she is a REPEAT CHILD ABUSER! CHILDREN AND YOUTH ARE GIVING MONSTERS MORE CHANCES TO KILL KIDS!
Not getting our son broke us in ways you can't imagine. We still breakdown crying just hearing his name, clutching eachother while waves and waves of pure sorrow wash over us both. We lost a child and he's not dead. Just being held hostage by a psycho who refuses to allow us any contact and the court system does absolutely nothing. We have been to court numerous times in the past 7 years for her contempt and the courts do NOTHING! All our evidence we built up through the years means nothing, they don't even let us use it. She is a terror and in another post I will unload that. I am just spiraling right now getting caught up in the whirlpool of misery and anguish every time I try to explain how he is the missing piece of my heart, my soul, I get swept up in the pure fury and rage of the EVIL that is keeping us apart out of pure spite and fear. Fear that he will know what real love is. That he will know pure, real, true love from a real family. That he will see the misery that she puts him through is not normal and speak out against her abuse.
You don't know heartbreak until two three year old siblings(they are five months apart my daughter and my son and no one cheated on anyone he was conceived before I ever met my husband in a fling that involved a few different men...in the same night...my husband has super sperm I thought I was barren and he took it as a personal challenge since I only got pregnant once beforehand and lost it at 6 weeks after trying with my ex for years AND being dumped because of my infertility for a woman who already had a child...which is another long crazy story...well he managed to impregnate me in December, I met him in October... I didn't start sleeping with him until half way through November...less than a month of sex and 9 months later we had a little girl so his sperm is NO JOKE) are screaming and crying gripping eachothers arms and shirts while being torn apart because the supervised visit at the adoption agency they were held at was over. It broke every one's heart. He said repeatedly that he didn't want to go back to her, that he wanted to go with us. Children and youth saw this, saw he loved us, saw he was beginning to despise his birther so what did they do? They PREVENTED OUR VISITS FOR THREE MONTHS WHILE STILL ALLOWING HERS! Meanwhile they did everything they could to sabotage us. It was a nightmare. The adoption agency and foster mother who saw the birther was a monster and we were the obvious choice were changed and while we were forced away from him they were told by the birther and children and youth that we weren't showing up by choice, lying about us, making us the bad guys so that we lost when we went to court through children and youth, they covered up EVERYTHING! Even framed my husband for a crime he didn't commit... took us a year to beat the charges and have them dropped... a long crazy story for another time. We were dedicated to our son, before we were completely robbed from completing our family, we were under the belief that we were going to get full custody of him. So after the birth of our second daughter we were convinced that we would not HAVE to make a son of our own, that HE IS THAT SON, from the very beginning I loved him like my own and wanted to raise him with that love with my husband. So we decided that 2 daughters AND A SON was enough children so I had my tubes cut.
Once I realized that we were NEVER GETTING OUR SON, I began to deeply regret getting that tubal ligation. I didn't need to birth a son until I realized that I would have NO SON. He felt we abandoned him, that's what they told him, he was too young to know the truth. If you ever watched handmaid's tale when Hannah is face to face with June... it was just like that. He didn't and doesn't know that we fought like Arch Angels to be in his life....he just knows that we weren't in his life. They broke him. His little eyes seemed empty that day. They don't see that sweet boy for what he IS, they see him as a pawn, as property... they don't see that he is a PERSON! It broke my husband too. It broke us all. Every day we pray for him. Every day my daughters ask about him, cry for him. We only got to see him while he was in foster care. They never even notified my husband when they took his son from that slop house. I found out weeks after the fact by accident, they didn't know we were married. The letter came in my maiden name... the connection was we both had the same father name on our children's birth certificates.... COMPLETELY NEGATING THE LIE THEY TOLD THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHO HIS FATHER WAS DESPITE A DNA TEST DONE YEARS PRIOR, AN ACTIVE CUSTODY BATTLE FOR CONTEMPT OF THE COURT ORDERED AGREEMENT IN PLACE FOR YEARS, AND AN ACTIVE CHILD SUPPORT ORDER THAT WAS BEING PAID ALL BY MY HUSBAND AND THE FACT HIS NAME WAS ON THE DAMN BIRTH CERTIFICATE! WE GOT RAKED THROUGH THE COALS BECAUSE WE COULDN'T AFFORD A LAWYER AND SHE WAS ALREADY USING THE CHARITY ONES AND ITS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST!
I know life isn't fair but...come on... child abusers shouldn't have custody of children. Especially when there are two married parents who have healthy, happy children already!
So I have been praying like crazy for God to restore my tubed to working order. If you are reading this please pray for me too. I can never replace the son that was stolen from us, but I can ease that pain that I go through every day without him. We aren't perfect people. Since losing our son we were both pushed to our brinks, we were FINALLY coming back from that. Recently I started having symptoms of ovulation so when I was ovulating we made love several times. A week after ovulation I was surprised to see implantation bleeding. Then I started getting nausea and swelling in my breasts which were crazy sore and full of veins and my nipples were dark and bumpy. My cervix went from low closed and hard the day after ovulation to high soft closed when i spotted. I was pregnant and I knew it in my heart. I was happy. I was complete.
My husband, who only had a part time day job had just gotten hired full time at night for his second job, we were getting our lives back on track. So he went to a store to have a shirt bought for him for his new job...by his birther who he stupidly trusted although I begged him not to...she is the one who helped set him up...who made us lose our son before...all so she could get access to our son... the deal was to sabotage us and the other birther would let her in...well at least my son's birther double crossed her so my husband's birther got nothing. Lost her relationship with my children in the process. My husband's birther is also a child abusing momster, so much so that my husband was taken away by children and youth when he was 15 months old and he was ADOPTED by his real parents. They are estranged but I am working to mend that rift. They are good people. He made mistakes. He burned bridges, but bridges can be rebuilt.
Well the birther was supposed to go on the store to buy the clothes...which was stupid... had he come to me I would have gladly paid for everything...but alas... that isn't what happened. During his broken period a year ago he ended up on probation for trying to return stolen items. When you are on probation any police contact results in immediate ARREST. Well he had put everything down to go outside and see what was taking his birther so long to come inside...but he had forgotten he had a shirt around his neck. He does that all the time in stores....out of stores...he carries things around his neck for some reason...i wish he hadn't. His birther was furious that all her plots against him had failed, i always protected him, this time i couldn't, i wasn't there and he wouldn't hear me when I tried to convince him that she was out to get him....another crazy story for another time... so he walked straight into an adder's nest looking for a mother to love him, all he received was a knife in his back. That witch is dangerous, she drove his brother to suicide so she could gorge on attention and sympathies... another one of the 4 children OUT OF FIVE THAT SHE DIDN'T RAISE OR LOVE! So she saw her opportunity and took it. When the security woman came chasing him out of the store for the shirt she pulled off, leaving him there penniless...unable to pay for the shirt around his neck...making it a crime. The cops were called and he was jailed amd still in jail over one lousy shirt and i cried, i screamed, my heart raced until i was sick and dizzy. The stress and the strain was too much... I began to bleed very heavily.
I knew it wasn't a period. Too heavy, too many clots, too sick... I felt as if I were dying. Too much pain. Cramps like that are unnatural. Worse than labor pains. Labor pains were always happy pains to me...because they resulted in a child...but these pains only result in heartbreak. I could have let it go... believed that i was never pregnant in the first place but I had to know. I had to know if it was possible. If completing our family was even possible after a tubal ligation...maybe... at least i believe that it is... because during that horrible bleeding that lasted 7 days instead of my usual 4 i took a pregnancy test... and although it was incredibly faint, that second line did appear. I had hoped that maybe something would survive but a blood test showed that the amount was minuscule...and the next test i took was so light you could barely see it and the one i took today was completely stark white negative.
Its toxic to believe that had he not gone to prison that those tests would have gotten darker, that the bleed wouldn't have happened. That those sweet sweet symptoms would have gotten stronger instead of weaker but I refuse to accept such poisonous thoughts. What does it solve? All it will do is breed resentment.
Instead I mourn my child alone. A baby i will never hold. My husband doesn't even know anything yet because he is locked away and i can't have any contact for 10 days. Maybe I won't get a son on earth...i REFUSE to believe that. I hope and pray that when the time is finally right that God will grant me that, whether it be a son from my own womb or preferably my son who already exists. Like I said I'd give my soul just to have him in our lives for a fraction of the time. I feel like the the miscarriage before I met my husband and the now two chemical pregnancies that I have had with my husband would have all been sons. That's a toxic thought too. One way or another I am still Xpectin a MIRACLE. As long as I have faith I believe that it will happen someday. First things first...getting my husband away from his momster. Her constant sabotage is unnecessarily stressful. I hope someday soon I can feel that happiness again for that too short month. That feeling of fulfillment was unmatched...at least now I don't feel quite so empty....at least now I am filled with something.
Hope.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was Awful/ the MCU Reigns Supreme
I am a Marvel fangirl, let me just make that clear. However I absolutely loved Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne, the three Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, Christopher Reeves' Superman movies, and Superman Returns. I enjoy ALL comic book movies when done WELL. I am one of the few who enjoyed Watchmen, everyone loved 300, and I love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles( I think my auto correct is a pervert because girls popped up right after "Teenage" 😒). So what I am about to say is going to hurt loads of DC fans' feelings. However it dutifully needs to be done. BvS is an awful movie. Let's first take a look at the MCU, (Marvel Cinematic Universe ) how it has done 12 movies in 8 years and have collectively profited billions of dollars worldwide. Phase One (with the exception of the accursed Incredible Hulk movie) did an amazing and PATIENT approach to setting up the unique and clearly unrivaled beauty of the Universe. Kevin Fiege (the genius behind the force of nature that is MCU) has spearheaded this universe in a tasteful, methodical and previously unheard of way. He slowly introduced us to all the characters in stand alone movies, giving each Avenger their own spotlight before combining them in the outstanding first Avengers movie. We as fans got to hold the hand of the MCU and be led on a romantic and leisurely stroll, enjoying all the sights as we passed them by. Phase One was legendary, no doubt, and the incredible foreplay of the individual movies built us up to the orgasmic explosion that was The Avengers, that left the entire world smiling and satisfied. Hell yes, you read that correctly. To drive home my point in why the MCU outshines the DCEU I am going to metaphorically compare them to sex. You have been warned.
Now, determined to "put their cock in the fight" (I mean roosters perverts) DC decided to piggyback on the enormous success of an adjoining multi-hero comic book universe. At first I was disappointed at their lack of creativity to blatantly copy the idea that initially came from the Marvel muses, I became intrigued by the prospect of healthy competition and purely amazing cinema experiences that would spur Marvel into making even more incredible films. Also, face it, I love comic book movies and figured this was an interesting concept that would rekindle my love for DC. However that is not the case. DC being in such a hurry to go "toe to toe" with Marvel produced a completely lackluster performance piece that left the entire world scratching their heads. BvS was awful. It was rushed, sloppy, poorly edited and had numerous plot holes. Whereas Marvel wooed us, wined and dined us, then made incredible love to us repeatedly... DC took us to McDonald's then had lazy uninspiring alleyway sex to us in the backseat of a shitty car and "accidentally" shoved it hard and dry in the wrong hole. Marvel became the person you want to marry and DC became the jerk you renamed "Do Not Answer" in your contacts list.
I had to write this opinion after reading absurd blogs from idiot DC fans who claim that the poor critiques were from critics who are on Marvel's payroll...yes they are actually saying that... it's pathetic, sad and quite frankly untrue. The truth is a big fat pill that DC fans can't seem to swallow, and that is the BvS movie was really horrible. Their main argument that the critics were paid off is that opening week the box office was damn near broken. However in the following weeks they suffered a significant drop in ticket sales. To that, I say of course opening weekend did amazing, the world had been promised a face off between the two single most important comic book heroes of all time facing off in an epic duel. What we got was two hours of poop, a twitchy fidgety puny Lex Luthor, a murderous Batman (correct me if I am wrong but one of his main ideals is that he is against killing), a stoic and unremarkable Superman, and a 5 minute rush-job introduction to the rest of the Justice League. DC is so eager to be on the same level as Marvel (who spent 8 years properly getting to the point they have reached) that they forcibly shoved those 8 years they should have taken into 1 film and it shows. I can't stand how they allowed this monstrosity to rape the silver screen and tricked us by telling us that BvS was going to be a "total game changer" and the "best comic book film of 2016." I don't understand how they could even make these claims when Captain America: Civil War will be premiering in May. DC knew they had a shit show on their hands, it's why they only previewed it to WB employees, embargoed reviews until the film's release, and changed the release date so as to not be completely pummeled by Civil War (CW) at the box office.
Now tonight was the showing of the MTV Movie Awards. I only tuned in because I was promised a sneak peek of CW that was never before seen. So as I'm patiently waiting for the clip to play when I realize it's all a trap. MTV is apparently a DC/WB bitch boy as they preceded to spout nonsense about BvS being the biggest movie of the year and how Marvel people are "bitches" just bitterly making jabs at the people who are just plain old better at the conjoined movie universe business than DC. They proudly acknowledge that the award show is being filmed on a DC lot.... from what I could see is that it was all just sour grapes towards the MCU and the fact that the hyped up disaster that is BvS was completely and utterly disappointing. It's being a sore loser. Your movie sucked now get over it and do better. Instead of trying to figure out what makes Marvel so successful and then trying to do their own rendition of it, they do reshoots of Suicide Squad and try to make it more "light hearted" and "funny".....NO!!! OF ALL MOVIES TO LEAVE GRITTY IT'S SUICIDE SQUAD! It's almost as if the death of Heath Ledger has left a curse on the sets of WB because the MTV Movie Awards were awful, boring, and made no sense too.
Notes to DC: slow down, if you want to construct an entire Universe realize that God didn't make ours in one day so why make yours in one movie? Are you really that arrogant? You should have made a sequel to Man of Steal (MoS), then made a stand alone Batman movie, then a stand alone Wonder Woman movie, then a stand alone other Justice League member movie I really don't care who (the flash is unnecessary he has a whole tv show), and then batman v superman! Why rush it? BvS looks rushed it truly shows.
DC fans need to have some humility, realize that you seem incredibly bitter and delusional by trying to not only defend the hot mess that is BvS and the DCEU, but also trying to diss the originators, the MCU as well as trying to predict that CW will fail. CW and the MCU has not made the same mistakes such as poor character casting, nonsensical plots, and the complete alienation of the younger audiences. Can you imagine the 8 year old boy who loves superheroes and since the Marvel movies and MoS are pg-13, which seemed pretty suitable, is traumatized by the constant murdering going on. Someone gets his head blown off for literally no feasible reason, because Snyder (the director) felt like it. That's awful, little boys and girls want to see their favorite heroes duke it out. It's not like deadpool, a clearly adult comic book that has never been marketed towards children, it's Batman and Superman! They have cartoons of these characters, you can buy them on children's underwear. My thing is if you are going to be pg-13 be it! Don't go to the max of pg-13 where it's almost rated R and it originally was rated R and the movie got so chopped and screwed in editing, that T-Pain took a shit on it, to make it just barely become pg-13! It really shows! Now the mistake of DC is causing what I call bandwagon fans, to hop off the bandwagon. People are saying that BvS has rubbed them the wrong way so severely that they no longer want to see CW because they think it will suck too! Where is the logic in that? Of course the copycats aren't as awesome as the originals! Yes DC comics were established before Marvel but when it comes to a huge cinematic universe, Marvel had first dibs. DC saw a superhero v superhero smack down brewing in the MCU so they hurriedly slapped together the same concept using the most recognizable heroes in the entire world, released it months ahead of time to appear like they had the idea first, royally fucked it up, then began the nonsense that "if our movie is bad then CW will surely be worst." Excuse me? How is that even logical? The MCU have produced profitable and critically well received films that the fans love! Now after the disappointment that is BvS the bandwagon fans are all "superhero - ed out" without even giving CW the hard earned attention that they deserve. So yes, because of how horrid BvS was, opening weekend for CW won't be as insane as BvS, because people will surely be butt hurt after wasting their money on BvS. But after word of mouth, because face it CW is already being praised as the best MCU movie yet, the sales will skyrocket and surpass BvS in the long run, effortlessly making the 1 billion mark. With Iron man alone, his standalone movies rake in the dough. So combine him with the world wanting to see the all out superhero brawl, and a good 30 minutes of SPIDER-MAN, I can't see as to how DC fans think CW will fail and not do as "good" as BvS! These DC fans are so delusional it's laughable that they honesty believe that CW copied off of BvS, that CW will fail, that CW won't do as well as BvS. Honestly had BvS not changed their release date they wouldn't have set the records that they did. Of course it had a great opening weekend, it's Batman v Superman for crying out loud and it had no competition at the time of its release. There isn't anything else to watch at the movies at this moment, except now I'm sure Hardcore Henry will for sure steal what was left of the potential straggler viewers that could add to the profits of BvS.
In conclusion, the movie was bad. It was sloppily made, poorly edited, entirely too graphic for a younger demographic, and the plot made no sense. Take the criticism and make the next movie better, and hire a director who doesn't hate the characters. Cast people who are the embodiment of the character. Lex Luthor wasn't broken, so why did you try to fix it with the sniveling weakling that is Jesse Eisenberg? That was not the only poor casting choice, Ben Affleck as the dark knight? Seriously? After having the American Psycho himself completely murder the part just a few years ago? Casting should have picked a Christian Bale level actor! He was even intelligent enough to see the sinking ship that is the DCEU and say no thank you, the Dark Knight trilogy was a masterpiece and we choose not to associate it with this travesty of trying to "keep up with Marvel" by blatantly stealing their idea. I personally would have enjoyed BvS if it had been properly timed and properly done. It wasn't. I'm so sick of reading how the MCU sucks because critics and ticket sales say otherwise. Those are just the bitter sentiments of a few idiot DC fans. The truth is that BvS was poorly made, and CW is already being raved about. Cut the crap DC you look like a crazy bitter ex with erectile dysfunction while Marvel is busy giving the world the goods and is saved in everyone's phone as "BAE" get a life and get it together and don't ruin Suicide Squad because BvS was awful. I sadly see a pitiful knock off vying for relevance in the future of the DCEU, whereas the MCU carries a pretty big stick and doesn't have anything to worry about because for 8 years they've been giving us the business so know that the DCEU is listed as "Do Not Answer " until further notice. I for one am going to wait until Suicide Squad is not in theaters to watch it, it'd be smarter to save my money unless I hear otherwise from a reliable source. I however will be at the theater May 6th even if I have to sit by myself(since theater seats are weirdly chosen and often there are lone seats sporadically placed throughout the theater) because I already know that CW will deliver and leave me more than satisfied.
*final note*
I was initially flabbergasted that the world assumed that BvS would be better than CW. I always knew otherwise. Marvel is the originator of the connected universe. They spent 8 years building us up to this point. BvS was over reaching in an attempt to put their dog in the superhero v superhero fight and it clearly shows. How incredible it is to see critics only now saying what I've known all along. Before either movie premiered everyone said that BvS would be better and looking back on these 5 month old posts are hilarious. Marvel came out swinging and BvS looks incredibly stupid in comparison. Like most bullies they were all talk and swagger with no substance. Every DC fab is so delusional with their need to argue how Marvel is paying off critics instead of accepting that CW is the better movie and Marvel has the better universe. I plan to be there opening night for CW and help trample the box office record of BvS. I can't help but feel a little smug and incredibly proud as I have always been a Marvel fangirl ever since I was a little girl as my father is a marvel fan boy before me. I am delighted to pass the torch to my little girls as they LOVE THOR AND HULK and have action figures. There is nothing like seeing your childhood heroes come to life on the big screen and then finally winning the Marvel v DC fight on the silver screen (as they did in the crossover comic mind you) is a nerd-gasmic experience that only a true Marvel fan can feel. My constant arguing with DC idiots on forums for the past year has paid off with me being right. I always am. Let's see how much DC has to say after they break the box office records opening night/weekend then precede to reign supreme(like sorcerers) in the following weeks in a completely bizarro (just for you DC nerds ;*) reality from BvS (whose sales decreased exponentially with every coming weekend showing that opening night was a fluke of people being drawn to the brands and the premise then scampering away like rats from a sinking ship due to the content) showing once and for all who is "Big Daddy" in the world of comic book movies.
Now, determined to "put their cock in the fight" (I mean roosters perverts) DC decided to piggyback on the enormous success of an adjoining multi-hero comic book universe. At first I was disappointed at their lack of creativity to blatantly copy the idea that initially came from the Marvel muses, I became intrigued by the prospect of healthy competition and purely amazing cinema experiences that would spur Marvel into making even more incredible films. Also, face it, I love comic book movies and figured this was an interesting concept that would rekindle my love for DC. However that is not the case. DC being in such a hurry to go "toe to toe" with Marvel produced a completely lackluster performance piece that left the entire world scratching their heads. BvS was awful. It was rushed, sloppy, poorly edited and had numerous plot holes. Whereas Marvel wooed us, wined and dined us, then made incredible love to us repeatedly... DC took us to McDonald's then had lazy uninspiring alleyway sex to us in the backseat of a shitty car and "accidentally" shoved it hard and dry in the wrong hole. Marvel became the person you want to marry and DC became the jerk you renamed "Do Not Answer" in your contacts list.
I had to write this opinion after reading absurd blogs from idiot DC fans who claim that the poor critiques were from critics who are on Marvel's payroll...yes they are actually saying that... it's pathetic, sad and quite frankly untrue. The truth is a big fat pill that DC fans can't seem to swallow, and that is the BvS movie was really horrible. Their main argument that the critics were paid off is that opening week the box office was damn near broken. However in the following weeks they suffered a significant drop in ticket sales. To that, I say of course opening weekend did amazing, the world had been promised a face off between the two single most important comic book heroes of all time facing off in an epic duel. What we got was two hours of poop, a twitchy fidgety puny Lex Luthor, a murderous Batman (correct me if I am wrong but one of his main ideals is that he is against killing), a stoic and unremarkable Superman, and a 5 minute rush-job introduction to the rest of the Justice League. DC is so eager to be on the same level as Marvel (who spent 8 years properly getting to the point they have reached) that they forcibly shoved those 8 years they should have taken into 1 film and it shows. I can't stand how they allowed this monstrosity to rape the silver screen and tricked us by telling us that BvS was going to be a "total game changer" and the "best comic book film of 2016." I don't understand how they could even make these claims when Captain America: Civil War will be premiering in May. DC knew they had a shit show on their hands, it's why they only previewed it to WB employees, embargoed reviews until the film's release, and changed the release date so as to not be completely pummeled by Civil War (CW) at the box office.
Now tonight was the showing of the MTV Movie Awards. I only tuned in because I was promised a sneak peek of CW that was never before seen. So as I'm patiently waiting for the clip to play when I realize it's all a trap. MTV is apparently a DC/WB bitch boy as they preceded to spout nonsense about BvS being the biggest movie of the year and how Marvel people are "bitches" just bitterly making jabs at the people who are just plain old better at the conjoined movie universe business than DC. They proudly acknowledge that the award show is being filmed on a DC lot.... from what I could see is that it was all just sour grapes towards the MCU and the fact that the hyped up disaster that is BvS was completely and utterly disappointing. It's being a sore loser. Your movie sucked now get over it and do better. Instead of trying to figure out what makes Marvel so successful and then trying to do their own rendition of it, they do reshoots of Suicide Squad and try to make it more "light hearted" and "funny".....NO!!! OF ALL MOVIES TO LEAVE GRITTY IT'S SUICIDE SQUAD! It's almost as if the death of Heath Ledger has left a curse on the sets of WB because the MTV Movie Awards were awful, boring, and made no sense too.
Notes to DC: slow down, if you want to construct an entire Universe realize that God didn't make ours in one day so why make yours in one movie? Are you really that arrogant? You should have made a sequel to Man of Steal (MoS), then made a stand alone Batman movie, then a stand alone Wonder Woman movie, then a stand alone other Justice League member movie I really don't care who (the flash is unnecessary he has a whole tv show), and then batman v superman! Why rush it? BvS looks rushed it truly shows.
DC fans need to have some humility, realize that you seem incredibly bitter and delusional by trying to not only defend the hot mess that is BvS and the DCEU, but also trying to diss the originators, the MCU as well as trying to predict that CW will fail. CW and the MCU has not made the same mistakes such as poor character casting, nonsensical plots, and the complete alienation of the younger audiences. Can you imagine the 8 year old boy who loves superheroes and since the Marvel movies and MoS are pg-13, which seemed pretty suitable, is traumatized by the constant murdering going on. Someone gets his head blown off for literally no feasible reason, because Snyder (the director) felt like it. That's awful, little boys and girls want to see their favorite heroes duke it out. It's not like deadpool, a clearly adult comic book that has never been marketed towards children, it's Batman and Superman! They have cartoons of these characters, you can buy them on children's underwear. My thing is if you are going to be pg-13 be it! Don't go to the max of pg-13 where it's almost rated R and it originally was rated R and the movie got so chopped and screwed in editing, that T-Pain took a shit on it, to make it just barely become pg-13! It really shows! Now the mistake of DC is causing what I call bandwagon fans, to hop off the bandwagon. People are saying that BvS has rubbed them the wrong way so severely that they no longer want to see CW because they think it will suck too! Where is the logic in that? Of course the copycats aren't as awesome as the originals! Yes DC comics were established before Marvel but when it comes to a huge cinematic universe, Marvel had first dibs. DC saw a superhero v superhero smack down brewing in the MCU so they hurriedly slapped together the same concept using the most recognizable heroes in the entire world, released it months ahead of time to appear like they had the idea first, royally fucked it up, then began the nonsense that "if our movie is bad then CW will surely be worst." Excuse me? How is that even logical? The MCU have produced profitable and critically well received films that the fans love! Now after the disappointment that is BvS the bandwagon fans are all "superhero - ed out" without even giving CW the hard earned attention that they deserve. So yes, because of how horrid BvS was, opening weekend for CW won't be as insane as BvS, because people will surely be butt hurt after wasting their money on BvS. But after word of mouth, because face it CW is already being praised as the best MCU movie yet, the sales will skyrocket and surpass BvS in the long run, effortlessly making the 1 billion mark. With Iron man alone, his standalone movies rake in the dough. So combine him with the world wanting to see the all out superhero brawl, and a good 30 minutes of SPIDER-MAN, I can't see as to how DC fans think CW will fail and not do as "good" as BvS! These DC fans are so delusional it's laughable that they honesty believe that CW copied off of BvS, that CW will fail, that CW won't do as well as BvS. Honestly had BvS not changed their release date they wouldn't have set the records that they did. Of course it had a great opening weekend, it's Batman v Superman for crying out loud and it had no competition at the time of its release. There isn't anything else to watch at the movies at this moment, except now I'm sure Hardcore Henry will for sure steal what was left of the potential straggler viewers that could add to the profits of BvS.
In conclusion, the movie was bad. It was sloppily made, poorly edited, entirely too graphic for a younger demographic, and the plot made no sense. Take the criticism and make the next movie better, and hire a director who doesn't hate the characters. Cast people who are the embodiment of the character. Lex Luthor wasn't broken, so why did you try to fix it with the sniveling weakling that is Jesse Eisenberg? That was not the only poor casting choice, Ben Affleck as the dark knight? Seriously? After having the American Psycho himself completely murder the part just a few years ago? Casting should have picked a Christian Bale level actor! He was even intelligent enough to see the sinking ship that is the DCEU and say no thank you, the Dark Knight trilogy was a masterpiece and we choose not to associate it with this travesty of trying to "keep up with Marvel" by blatantly stealing their idea. I personally would have enjoyed BvS if it had been properly timed and properly done. It wasn't. I'm so sick of reading how the MCU sucks because critics and ticket sales say otherwise. Those are just the bitter sentiments of a few idiot DC fans. The truth is that BvS was poorly made, and CW is already being raved about. Cut the crap DC you look like a crazy bitter ex with erectile dysfunction while Marvel is busy giving the world the goods and is saved in everyone's phone as "BAE" get a life and get it together and don't ruin Suicide Squad because BvS was awful. I sadly see a pitiful knock off vying for relevance in the future of the DCEU, whereas the MCU carries a pretty big stick and doesn't have anything to worry about because for 8 years they've been giving us the business so know that the DCEU is listed as "Do Not Answer " until further notice. I for one am going to wait until Suicide Squad is not in theaters to watch it, it'd be smarter to save my money unless I hear otherwise from a reliable source. I however will be at the theater May 6th even if I have to sit by myself(since theater seats are weirdly chosen and often there are lone seats sporadically placed throughout the theater) because I already know that CW will deliver and leave me more than satisfied.
*final note*
I was initially flabbergasted that the world assumed that BvS would be better than CW. I always knew otherwise. Marvel is the originator of the connected universe. They spent 8 years building us up to this point. BvS was over reaching in an attempt to put their dog in the superhero v superhero fight and it clearly shows. How incredible it is to see critics only now saying what I've known all along. Before either movie premiered everyone said that BvS would be better and looking back on these 5 month old posts are hilarious. Marvel came out swinging and BvS looks incredibly stupid in comparison. Like most bullies they were all talk and swagger with no substance. Every DC fab is so delusional with their need to argue how Marvel is paying off critics instead of accepting that CW is the better movie and Marvel has the better universe. I plan to be there opening night for CW and help trample the box office record of BvS. I can't help but feel a little smug and incredibly proud as I have always been a Marvel fangirl ever since I was a little girl as my father is a marvel fan boy before me. I am delighted to pass the torch to my little girls as they LOVE THOR AND HULK and have action figures. There is nothing like seeing your childhood heroes come to life on the big screen and then finally winning the Marvel v DC fight on the silver screen (as they did in the crossover comic mind you) is a nerd-gasmic experience that only a true Marvel fan can feel. My constant arguing with DC idiots on forums for the past year has paid off with me being right. I always am. Let's see how much DC has to say after they break the box office records opening night/weekend then precede to reign supreme(like sorcerers) in the following weeks in a completely bizarro (just for you DC nerds ;*) reality from BvS (whose sales decreased exponentially with every coming weekend showing that opening night was a fluke of people being drawn to the brands and the premise then scampering away like rats from a sinking ship due to the content) showing once and for all who is "Big Daddy" in the world of comic book movies.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
How to be a better parent
1. Stop putting Dick before your kids.
2. Feed your kids.
3. Bathe your kids.
4. Don't allow drug addicts/dealers to babysit your kids.
5. If your baby daddy wants to be in your child/rens life/lives let him and use that as your down time which leads me to number
6. Don't lock your kids up in a room to substitute for a babysitter
7. Don't leave human feces on your floor.
8. Don't date physically abusive men.
9. Don't lie.
10.Don't lose your kids to foster care.
11. Don't try to kill yourself home alone with your kids.
12. Don't have an IQ below 100.
13. Don't be in a 2 year college for 4 years 2 months to be a DJ...which brings us to number
14. Get a real fucking job.
15. Don't use child support to join pyramid schemes..see number 14.
16. Don't have any more children if you can not or have not followed these rules and immediately sign your children over to their father because you will surely ruin your kids lives if you don't because you are an embarrassment, an idiot, and a whore.
PS, you should have no more than 1 boyfriend every 2 years not weeks slut, and stop moving them in with your kids are you running a fucking youth hostel?!?!
2. Feed your kids.
3. Bathe your kids.
4. Don't allow drug addicts/dealers to babysit your kids.
5. If your baby daddy wants to be in your child/rens life/lives let him and use that as your down time which leads me to number
6. Don't lock your kids up in a room to substitute for a babysitter
7. Don't leave human feces on your floor.
8. Don't date physically abusive men.
9. Don't lie.
10.Don't lose your kids to foster care.
11. Don't try to kill yourself home alone with your kids.
12. Don't have an IQ below 100.
13. Don't be in a 2 year college for 4 years 2 months to be a DJ...which brings us to number
14. Get a real fucking job.
15. Don't use child support to join pyramid schemes..see number 14.
16. Don't have any more children if you can not or have not followed these rules and immediately sign your children over to their father because you will surely ruin your kids lives if you don't because you are an embarrassment, an idiot, and a whore.
PS, you should have no more than 1 boyfriend every 2 years not weeks slut, and stop moving them in with your kids are you running a fucking youth hostel?!?!
Monday, August 24, 2015
Laugh Now Cry Later Bitch
Just 1 or 2 more months. Then the truth can all come out. I'm so tired of the arrogance and the complete disrespect and disregard of a child's feelings and well being. The fact that someone would flaunt that and enjoy that in front of a judge who will be judging the trial?!?! Contempt is a crime not a game the immaturity is astonishingly unbelievable. No one can possibly be that dumb!! And justify allowing a child abusing convicted drug addict/dealer to watch a child unsupervised but deny a great father, with no criminal record or record of abuse and neglect(unlike the bad mom brigade) and two healthy advanced children, the right to be in his child's life all because what? He doesn't want you? He got married? He has yet to even be allowed to see his real grandparents but he's at the drug dealer's house, who abused his father so bad his father was taken away at the age of one and she never was in his life until he turned 18, and also drove another of her children to the point where he blew his brains out because of her. This shit makes me sick. The judge gave her a chance to stop being in contempt she refused to even allow visitation let alone the court order already in effect. We visited him every week for months when he was in FOSTER CARE(BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO OFF HERSELF HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS LOCKED IN A ROOM AND WERE COMPLETELY FERAL, HER OLDEST IS NOW PERMANENTLY DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED BECAUSE OF THAT AND HE HAS BEEN IN FOSTER CARE TWICE) SHE IS A REPEAT OFFENDER OF NEGLECTING CHILDREN WHEN WE GO TO TRIAL THAT WILL BE BROUGHT UP! YOUR DUMB ASS SMILING BECAUSE ITS GOING TO TRIAL!?!? THATS BAD FOR YOU!!! THE CONCILIATOR AND THE JUDGE BOTH WROTE ABOUT YOUR NON COMPLIANCE AND CHOICE TO BE IN CONTEMPT AND TO KEEP A FATHER AND SON APART FOR NO OTHER REASON BESIDES YOUR AFRAID HES NOT GONNA WANT TO LEAVE HIS FATHER. YOU SAID IT YOURSELF HE BEGS TO SEE HIS DAD EVERYDAY YOU TELL HIM HIS DAD DOESNT WANT HIM THEN YOU TELL HIS FATHER HE CANT SEE HIM ITS SICK. AT THIS TRIAL WHEN WE GET PRIMARY CUSTODY AND ALLOW YOU YOUR SUPERVISED VISITATION YOU CAN SEE WHAT ITS LIKE TO DO THE RIGHT THING. YOU ARE AN AWFUL MOTHER AND SEVERELY MENTALLY INSANE AND YOU ARE IN CONTEMPT OF A COURT ORDER ALSO BLACK MAILING US SAYING IF HE CONTINUES TO TRY AND GET HIS PARTIAL PHYSICAL CUSTODY YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO CALL THE POLICE AND FILE FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER BECAUSE HE TOLD THE TRUTH IN THE EMERGENCY COURT PAPERS. YOU ARE A NUT CASE HES NEVER THREATENED YOU OR HARMED YOU OR ANY WOMAN OR CHILD FOR THAT MATTER BUT YOU LIE TO EVERYONE SAYING HE DOES. WE HAVE THE TRUTH FOR EVERY LIE YOU TOLD!LMAO YOU ARE GOING DOWN AT THAT COURT HEARING. THAT EVIDENCE PROVES IT ALL. PLUS IM TAKING THE STAND I CANT WAIT. YOU HAVE NO LOVE FOR THIS WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY HES JUST A PAWN FOR YOU TO USE AS REVENGE AGAINST HIS FATHER BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT YOU AND WILL NEVER WANT YOU. YOU ARE SAD AND PATHETIC AND YOU WILL LOSE. THE LAW IS SELF EXPLANATORY. WHEN A PARENT REFUSES TO COMPLY WITH ANY CUSTODY ORDER THE JUDGE GIVES CUSTODY TO THE OTHER PARENT. YOU CAN GO TO JAIL FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING! ITS NOT FUNNY YOU'RE LAUGHING ABOUT HURTING MY SON! YOUR SICK IN THE HEAD! YOUR TRUE FEARS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE. ONCE HE GETS HERE HES NEVER GOING TO WANT YOU AGAIN. EVERY TIME WE'VE SEEN HIM HES WANTED TO LEAVE WITH US IVE SEEN YOUR GOOD BYES WITH HIM HE COULDNT WAIT TO BE AWAY FROM YOU AS YOU CLUNG TO HIM AS HE KICKED SCREAMED AND WHINED FOR HIS DADDY. IN A VISIT I PLAYED WITH HIM AND HE TOLD ME I DONT WANT TO GO HOME TO MOMMY I DONT LIKE IT. EVEN AT 11 MONTHS OLD HE ALMOST FLIPPED HIS STROLLER TRYING TO REACH FOR HIS DADDY WHILE YOU JUST STOOD THERE LOOKING STUPID WITH YOUR 96 IQ. TELLING THE JUDGE YOU WONT HONOR THE JUDGE ORDERED CUTODY ORDERS FOR LEGAL AND PHYSICAL CUSTODY?!?!? YOU THINK THAT SHIT WAS SMART?!? YOU HAVE TO GO TO TRIAL NOW DUMB ASS WITH A STRICT JUDGE WHO IS GONNA SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR LIES AND NONSENSE WHEN WE SHOW HER THE TRUTH! WE HAVE SO MUCH AGAINST YOU ITS CRAZY! THIS IS WHAT WEVE BEEN WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO SHOW THAT YOUR MENTALLY INSANE SEVERELY IRRESPONSIBLE, PUTING HIS LIFE IN DANGER, AND COMPLETELY SHIELDING HIM FROM HIS FATHER AND HIS FATHERS FAMILY! NO JUDGE IS GONNA THINK WHAT YOUR DOING IS OK. BECAUSE HE CANT CONTACT YOU AT ALL OVER THREAT OF POLICE INVOLVEMENT THE COURT WILL MAKE IT SO THAT YOU HAVE TO CALL HIM AND ME TO SEE MY SON. LMAO SO KEEP LAUGHING YOU RETARD BECAUSE IN A MONTH OR TWO YOUR GONNA BE SO SALTY. FAMILY COURT DOESNT TAKE KINDLY TO PEOPLE WHO ABUSE THE COURT SYSTEM AND ROB A CHILD OF THEIR PARENT. YOU JUST KEEP SAYING YOU WANT HIS FATHER TO NOT BE IN HIS LIFE AT ALL SEE WHERE THAT GETS YOU!!! LMAOOOO!!!! YOU ARE LITERALLY HANDING HIM TO US WITH YOUR NONSENSE. HE DESERVES A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WHERE HES NOT IN DANGER OF BEING KILLED BECAUSE HES AT A DRUG DEALERS HOUSE WHO IS SNITCHING ON HER SUPPLIER OR BECAUSE HE EATS SOME OF HER PILLS OR CRACK ON THE GROUND IN THE HOUSE OR BECAUSE YOUR WHORE WAYS BRINGS A DANGEROUS BOYFRIEND(AGAIN YOUVE HAD 3 DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASES THAT WE KNOW OF WHERE YOUVE BEEN BEATEN AND IM SURE HE HAS TOO) WHO IS A DRUNK AND AN ADDICT BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DESPERATE FOR A MAN..THE TWO GUYS I KNOW OF JUST GOT OUTTA JAIL BEFORE YOU LET THEM MOVE IN AFTER DATING FOR A FEW WEEKS...YOU EVEN TOLD ONE OF THEM HE WAS MY SONS FATHER!!!!YOUR PROMISCUITY WILL ALSO BE APART OF YOUR DOWNFALL HAVING A NEW BOYFRIEND EACH MONTH IS UNSTABLE. WE HAVE ALL OF THIS EVIDENCE TRICK! THE JUDGE IS GONNA PICK THE SAFER PARENT WHERE THERES A MOM AND A DAD AND OTHER CHILDREN NO DRUG ADDICTS/DEALERS OR HISTORY OF CHILD ABUSE/NEGLECT, OR CRIMINAL HISTORY....LOOK AT THE TRUTH OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE WE HAVE IT AND ARE GONNA SHOW IT...THEN LOOK AT THE TRUTH OF OUR LIFE NOT THE LIES YOU MADE UP BECAUSE WE HAVE THE TRUTH AND ARE GONNA SHOW IT...AND DETERMINE WHO YOU THINK THE JUDGE IS GOING TO CHOSE???? ARE YOU STILL LAUGHING?
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Baby Mama Drama/defacation of character
First let me begin by saying defamation of character only occurs if what the person you claim is defamating your character is telling lies. When the person is truthful, you just have bad character. Now if anyone could sue for that its me because the lies you spread about me are vicious, but im about to tell the truth. You sit in your feces smeared house hating me and wishing you could be me. I have never harassed you once so stop telling my husband I do. I printed out our conversation so he sees the truth of your rudeness to me and my kindness in the face of your rudeness to you. You claim I'm cyber stalking you but it is the other way around. In your latest pfa the evidence is clear that you searched his name and not that he posted something to intimidate you. Your so vain I bet you think that my posts are about you. This one is though. You tell everyone with ears that you are a victim. Your mother was never a crackhead your son wasnt concieved by rape and you and my husband have never been in a relationship. Your twisted fantasies are about to be exposed in front of a judge and you will lose. We have evidence you locked your children up like animals in a zoo starving them and letting them fight like savages leaving scars and scratches on their innocent bodies. You allowed strange man after man into your home allowing yourself to be beaten and abused before their innocent eyes. They eat until they vomit because they don't know when their next meal is coming. Your corrupted caseworker swept it all under the rug for you taking your case to save her own ass for allowing you to have custody in the first place you make me sick. Lying after you attempted suicide saying you didn't know who his father was to keep it a secret and your caseworker knew him and allowed it. You should both be rotting in jail for what you've done. Christmas I bought the boys so many gifts and you came with an unwrapped toy car from the local drugstore yet you say I want to hurt him?!?!? You hurt him!!!!!! And still are!! Keeping him from his family to hide your abuse and neglect!!! You are a sick human being with your sick lies you will burn in the pit of hell for what you did to those poor boys!!! The true victims and yet you sit pitiful pretending do be helpless and simple you know how to be a mother its not hard! And yet you didn't and you're not being one now. If you do anything to hurt my son before this court hearing you are gonna wish Satan gets you before I do. I love that boy like he's mine so stop your lies that I don't! I would never hurt him or his brother and neither would my husband and you know this but you say this anyways! What is wrong with you?!?! Why are you tearing apart my family's hearts keeping him from us its even illegal. Get over it he doesn't want you my husband doesn't and neither does my son. His poor voice saying he doesn't wanna go home with mommy killed me. He went ignored because you and that wretched piece of trash that regrettably birthed my husband has done nothing but sabotage our chances but that all ends soon. The judge we have is strict and by the book your goose is cooked "hun" also quit calling my husband that its pathetic we have you saying if he didn't get married he'd be in his sons life! I've never done anything until now, and even still this is a blog no one reads for me to vent! This isn't even the half of it i taste a victory and you know it that's why your claiming we are gonna hurt the kids your drowning in a sea of your lies, atrocities, and schemes, so your grasping at whatever you can to hold on to your ill gotten temporary win but you cant and you won't. Soon he will be safe from you and if your oldest son's father has half a brain he'd take you for custody too BC he's the child you hate and it shows. You tell people he's the product of rape when I have screenshots of your Facebook relationship proving how much of a psychopath you really are. You're fucking sick in the head severely hating your child because he's black!!! You are black!!! I witnessed with my own eyes on how bad he was abused he looked like a starving African child! The fact that you aren't in jail proves how fucked up the system is because other people have been jailed for less and your fat sloppy caseworker let's you get away with it. Well you can't hide behind her fat ass anymore. That court date is coming and soon my family will be whole whether you like it or not. PS we all have clean urines so good luck with that....not lmao I hope you go to jail for contempt I really do. You would still be there for the level of abuse you've done to these sweet innocent boys. And the wonderful foster mother who saved those boys from being too behind speculated they were molested if my son confirms it your ass is mine bitch and take that to the fucking bank!!!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Stop Lying About Me!!!
stop lying about me. i can drive just fine cory never said that. im not worried about you im his wife of almost4 years been with him of almost 5. im not going anywhere so get used to it. i dont harrass you ive never said one bad thing to you and i havent messaged you sinc 2013 in may. all ive ever done was offer you help. dont be mad at me bc im a good mother and your not and im with cory and your not. i never called the police on you lmao you sound exactly like your 96 iq. i called the police on fran and gina bc they were on my facebook saying they hope i have breast cancer and that i deserve it. you lie to everyone trying to say im the reason cory doesnt talk to those snakes lol you must not know cory. your pathetic stop blaming me for your problems up untill i found out about what you did to those sweet little boys i did nothing but give you the benefit of the doubt. you make me sick what/ you think cause you block someone the messages disappear? they are still there with your name and the date and time connected to each one. we have proof over every single lie you told its atrocious that a human being would tell her child hes the product of rape when hes not just to excuse your neglect and abuse of them. the truth is about to come out you proved that you are an unfit parent all by yourself lol stop saying lies about me cory annd i thought it was so hilarious you are so obviously jealous of me. i was at that contempt hearing. you were warned by the judge that if he had to see you for contempt again he'd make it so that you would have to call cory for your visits we are going to the court house tomorrow so dont try anything stupid, you put those kids back in foster care dear jen is gonna get fired for repeatedly helping you get custody of them. you hate me because i know the truth thats why you all hate me i have an iq of 126. i absorbed every detail i ever heard and when it comes to you we have more than enough proof. ps stop lying to these ppl you got fat bc imfat and you think if you get fat maybe cory will want you lmmfao he wont ever! hes in love with me and only me. he never loved you lol he never liked you and you sit and use Jayson as a pawn "if it wasnt for your wife you would have been seeing him" you are so jealous of me its sad. i dont talk about ppl behind their backs as you see i have something to say i go to the source. your an alcoholic and a pill popper and a whore. plus you're insane ugly fat and dumb thats why your dumb ass is single and always will be. your not even allowed to have a man how violent is this one hahahaha thanks for this tho just more proof for the judge.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Hooray For Benign Tumor
Yay cancer free!!! Well my breast are anyways, still have to get my pituitary gland checked out but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Well that's it as far as I am concerned... this will be a short post because what I have to say next is so extreme so out of this world crazy that putting it with this post doesn't even make sense. I am going to take you all back to the beginning of my husbands troubles and struggles to be a father to the only son he will ever have. A precious boy we love with all our hearts and the monsters who do everything humanly possible to keep him from being with us while simultaneously pretending that they are victims that don't know why my husband has shunned them so. But before I get into his hard times I endure with him I need a post for myself. When breast cancer was wished on me (plus death from it) I was also called a bad mother. Which I call bullshit. So stay tuned because this next post will be pure ranting lol. Be warned because I need it.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
To a Fake Friend
Dear Fake Friend,
You are a bitch. Lol. Seriously though this was the lowest of the low things to do to a person. You faked this perfect relationship I had no idea the issues you were going through with him. So when I found out you too broke up and why... I was under the impression that this was a random one time screw up. So I talked about my relationship and how we worked things out and how I couldn't imagine going through this breast cancer scare with out him and if all your ex did was material than don't give up just yet. And me praying you make the right decision means either way do what is right for you because I was still going to love (lmao) you anyways like a sister (ha yeah right) no matter what. Now if I knew that your "perfect" relationship was abusive it would have been a different story. And its laughable how you say I tried to turn you against your ex boyfriend's mother(because in reality that's what she is and that's so toxic on a New relationship no matter how you slice it) I told you from day one I don't care who you associated with as long as anything I shared with you stayed with you. So in what world was it okay to tell the primordial ooze my husband and your fiance crawled from that I may have breast cancer. You were the sixth and last person I told. You know they hate me and that they are awful people who are psychos and child abusers and drug addicts who have threatened to kidnap my children. Can you imagine my surprise to see a beautiful post I wrote to the world about being kind to others marred by your only so called friends telling me I deserve to have breast cancer and die because I keep those monsters from my kids. You are an insane sick human being, just like your good buddies. I hope you have to watch at every"family" function your fiance loving up on his brother (my husband's) baby mama. They played you like a fiddle. To be honest I don't believe the abuse BS because all you portrayed was perfect soul mate love. You are the scum of the earth. Thank you for telling my whole family I may be dying because that was exactly the way I wanted them to find out. You and your overgrown high school dried up bullies will rot in hell forever right next to Judas in the lowest level of hell reserved for betrayers. I really appreciated having death by breast cancer wished on me and being told I deserve it. And thank you for saying I deserved to be tortured that way because I told you to pray on your relationship that was an added bonus. I honestly hope your fiance is having the time of his life on the money he got for selling the Christmas gifts you gave him. News flash its not stealing if its a gift you idiot so he will get away scott free for that one. So if you're anything like your insane buddies you made up the abuse because he can't be charged for selling a gift. Your fiance has smoked crack shot up heroine done every drug made to man most likely and you are undoubtedly the worst mistake he ever made. I am so happy to be rid of you and I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. So kindly go fuck yourself you coward ass bitch and choke on a dick thank you. And when you are old and alone and barren I hope you remember me and the "pain" you thought you were causing me because I told you the truth while you, like the disgusting oozing anal pus you associate with are horrible soulless liars.
Have an awful life, sincerely,
A person who honestly wouldn't give a shit if you spontaneously combusted this very instance.
P.s your fiance was an intravenous drug user and even though you wish death on me I honestly hope you dont have AIDS :)
You are a bitch. Lol. Seriously though this was the lowest of the low things to do to a person. You faked this perfect relationship I had no idea the issues you were going through with him. So when I found out you too broke up and why... I was under the impression that this was a random one time screw up. So I talked about my relationship and how we worked things out and how I couldn't imagine going through this breast cancer scare with out him and if all your ex did was material than don't give up just yet. And me praying you make the right decision means either way do what is right for you because I was still going to love (lmao) you anyways like a sister (ha yeah right) no matter what. Now if I knew that your "perfect" relationship was abusive it would have been a different story. And its laughable how you say I tried to turn you against your ex boyfriend's mother(because in reality that's what she is and that's so toxic on a New relationship no matter how you slice it) I told you from day one I don't care who you associated with as long as anything I shared with you stayed with you. So in what world was it okay to tell the primordial ooze my husband and your fiance crawled from that I may have breast cancer. You were the sixth and last person I told. You know they hate me and that they are awful people who are psychos and child abusers and drug addicts who have threatened to kidnap my children. Can you imagine my surprise to see a beautiful post I wrote to the world about being kind to others marred by your only so called friends telling me I deserve to have breast cancer and die because I keep those monsters from my kids. You are an insane sick human being, just like your good buddies. I hope you have to watch at every"family" function your fiance loving up on his brother (my husband's) baby mama. They played you like a fiddle. To be honest I don't believe the abuse BS because all you portrayed was perfect soul mate love. You are the scum of the earth. Thank you for telling my whole family I may be dying because that was exactly the way I wanted them to find out. You and your overgrown high school dried up bullies will rot in hell forever right next to Judas in the lowest level of hell reserved for betrayers. I really appreciated having death by breast cancer wished on me and being told I deserve it. And thank you for saying I deserved to be tortured that way because I told you to pray on your relationship that was an added bonus. I honestly hope your fiance is having the time of his life on the money he got for selling the Christmas gifts you gave him. News flash its not stealing if its a gift you idiot so he will get away scott free for that one. So if you're anything like your insane buddies you made up the abuse because he can't be charged for selling a gift. Your fiance has smoked crack shot up heroine done every drug made to man most likely and you are undoubtedly the worst mistake he ever made. I am so happy to be rid of you and I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. So kindly go fuck yourself you coward ass bitch and choke on a dick thank you. And when you are old and alone and barren I hope you remember me and the "pain" you thought you were causing me because I told you the truth while you, like the disgusting oozing anal pus you associate with are horrible soulless liars.
Have an awful life, sincerely,
A person who honestly wouldn't give a shit if you spontaneously combusted this very instance.
P.s your fiance was an intravenous drug user and even though you wish death on me I honestly hope you dont have AIDS :)
Friday, January 2, 2015
Screw It...Just A Breast Cancer Scare
My new mantra... it's just a breast cancer scare. There is no diagnosis no proof, just symptoms. So with that being said I'm going to try and not stroke out worrying about something I can't control. I sometimes feel myself hyperventilating and breaking out into tears because of my FEARS, not FACTS. What is in a name? Would a mass by any other name be less terrifying? Who knows? I don't know all I know is I get confused, like trying to squeeze my left foot into my right boot or not being able to concentrate when people talk tome. Or other things. ..many other things. Like being so dehydrated after drinking 3 bottles of water in a row, or worse, peeing myself 4 to 5 times a day (which my fully potty trained 3 year old finds hilarious) and that saddens me even more. She doesn't understand mommy may be sick. Mommy may not watch her grow..no I can't go there yet. I'm not ready yet..it is too soon and I know nothing but speculations and guessing. I spent today basking in the beauty that is my daughters. I'm crying now and it's OK, words cannot express(cliche I know I don't care) how much they mean to me. Seriously how many 13 month old babies can count to 10? Or sneeze and say "God bless you" and "thank you" to herself, and to others? The level of intelligence with these two tiny versions of me is extraordinary. When my 3 year old knows her ABC's and can count to 30. She is an animal expert/lover she can recognize and name animals I didn't even know she knew. How could I ever say goodbye to the two people who made my life worth living? It shocks and appalls me to know there are mothers in this world who do not completely adore the little people who slid from their bodies. Like my stepson I love him dearly. ..his mother sees a paycheck and a meal ticket and a way to latch onto people because she can not function as a singular human being. She herself is a cancer destroying everything she touches, turning this beautiful gift from God into a chess piece, a pawn, a way to trap a man or birth mother of said man...weird I know I will most likely get into that another day. I fear I may not see the day that he is finally rescued from her abusive talons (yes she is in fact abusive and neglectful I am no hater I've seen how thin he was and starved for human contact because he was locked in a room without food or drink and left to die when she attempted suicide) and placed with his father (my husband of 3 years) and his sisters who adore him. To this day my eldest B will see Thomas the tank engine and go "mommy can we get this for J, he loves Thomas," and we have to say no because his mother won't allow any contact with him to even give him gifts. Her high and mighty attitude towards us and to think she had him in foster care for 15 months because she "doesn't know J's father" lies we were in court for contempt of a custody order. She is a monster. But not today on this post. Next post I will delve deeper but this, this is my love for my three children. Yes he is my son and I love him like I love my daughters. I pray with all my heart I live to see him happy and unafraid living with a real family where there is no plotting back-stabbing and betrayal, just love. I want my kids to know how much I love them and how I will fight every day to be there for them. To my precious girls I pray what I have is nothing so that they don't have to live in fear that mommy's genetics haven't condemned them. So that I may comfort them in their sadness and rejoice with them in their joy. To my son I love you and wish you a normal happy life not being raised to hate us or believe we abandoned you because we did not. The two women that are your birth mom and your father's birth mom have done everything in their power to keep us apart as a family, even going so far as to having your sisters torn from us and I pray that they do not destroy you the way they did the uncle you are named for. To my husband, I love you flaws and all and if death does part us I pray you find true love and happiness in a woman wonderful enough for our children to call mommy. But most of all I pray to be with you till we are old and gray and that this lump is a speed bump and not a brick wall because love like this can work miracles. You have given me light where there was sadness and despair, joy where there was loneliness and worry, and love where there was darkness and hate. Thank you God for this man and these children who have turned this wild chaotic life into the best roller coaster I never want to get off of. Breast cancer is not in my future I embrace that wholeheartedly. This "scare" isn't going to scare me for long. This is not the beginning of a cancer battle this will be the end of a cancer scare. I believe it and I receive it!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
You Gotta Be Kidding Me
No its not a Happy New Year. I hate the Internet its brain crack. You know its bad for you but you can't stop. Doing research trying to link my symptoms to something other than breast cancer that has spread to the pituitary gland but that's not working. Last year I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and surprise the medicine I took for a year is linked to causing breast cancer! Pituitary cancer causes blurred and double vision because it has been linked to hormonal eye changes...now why did that resonate with me? Maybe the reason is before my blood pressure problem I was diagnosed with keratoconus which is a degenerative eye disease where some type of mysterious hormone imbalances causes the cornea to weaken and lose its shape causing blurred and double vision. My diagnosis isn't even confirmed and all I can think is...just cremate me its a lot cheaper. Migraines, breast lumps, and future blindness... if I had a future to look forward to. I am this mysterious perfect cluster fuck in everything I do and everything I am. When I fuck up I do it good and thoroughly. It's like my skill in life. I remember a movie I seen with Jessica Alba and Dane Cook I forget the name but Alba's character was completely me and completely hotter. Her cute quirky walking disaster design spoke to me on deeper levels than the movie itself swam in...Good Luck Chuck...that was it. Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong does go wrong, literally the story if my life. I should change my name to Murphy's Law because that is me. My.....my my my.... dammit I'm so selfish right now...what the fuck. My kids my 2 beautiful girls, the baby is one and the eldest three. Breast cancer is hereditary. Have I doomed them to constant doctors and tests poking and prodding from the time they turn twenty for the rest of their lives? What if I don't make it? Jeez look at me already planning my death on symptoms with no confirmed diagnosis in sight. Its just a mass right now. Nothing more. I have this defeated attitude already and yes I have had a real shitty life and death maybe more imminent than I thought but I could be hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Its just crazy to look back on the life I had. I kinda thought I would have my happy ending by now. But ...not yet..maybe not ever...I have been holding off writing a story about my life because I don't believe I have reached my happy ending. Now I'm beginning to realize not all endings are happy and mine may not be. I don't know. Maybe it will be I just have to wait and see. Unhappy Last Year to me and Happy New Year to you. Life sucks so make fun of it often and love the people you make with all your heart because they truly love you with the purest made love available.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
wtf wake up call
Seriously a wtf moment. Needing another miracle always needing a miracle. How did I get this far in life? Miracles thats how. I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be but I am. I'm terrified. All I can think is, "omg I'm going to die!!!" And that is crazy talk because I know nothing for sure but adding up the facts of this past year isn't good. ..its bad...really bad. So earlier this year all my blood tests show a high white blood cell count. I had a huge amount if allergenic reactions later and I had a CT scan on my abdomen which showed my lymph nodes were all swollen. Later that month I discovered a pea sized lump at 1 o'clock on my left breast. I acknowledged it to my family it was brushed off because for some reason they believe I am a hypochondriac even tho Avery time I said something was wrong with me there really was. I literally walked on a broken knee with disconnected and torn tendons because no one believed me and convinced me it was all in my head ... until recently did I finally figure out that I know my body they don't. I had to sit through xrays and mris and orthopedic drs appointments where I had to endure being stared at like a psycho because they cant figure out how for 6 years I suffered like this. When I say everyone told me it's all in my head I look like an even bigger idiot. Back to the lump I ignored it for 4 months because I was told by unnamed family members that my knee was more important and that there is nothing in my breast. So I did. Fast forward 4 months and a knee surgery plus almost full recovery I get checked out because I'm having pregnancy symptoms and I know I'm not pregnant. Had tests done and my tubes are tied. But I am always tired always cold I have hypertension get really bad headaches "diagnosed as migraines, intense thirst and cravings for water and a crazy ridiculous need to pee. Had my urine checked no infections I have had this problem a lot. .wet myself a lot... embarrassing yes but I wanted to know why. ..now I'm wishing I buried my head in the sand like I did my knee. They believe it is diabetes insipidis. A problem with the pituitary gland that is in my head below my brain. Around the same spot my headaches have been in. The only logical cause of diabetes insipidis is pituitary cancer that has spread from breast cancer. Let me take a pause...feel the fear and shock I felt researching. Don't research anything. ..it ruins your life. The other causes are medicines I don't take, alcohol abuse (I don't drink) head trauma (nope) and brain surgery (nope) but breast cancer....I found a lump. ..a pea sized lump...in September... that pea is now a lima bean... and my breast hurt on the outsides and into my armpits. The lymph nodes in my neck are swollen but my tests for that were negative. ..I'm fat because I eat not a glandular problem...but I've lost weight. .suddenly. .without trying. ..but the lump itself...there is no pain. It sits in its fatty throne if breast tissue. An enigma. Taunting me letting me know everyday that it is there and I have no clue what it is and if it is what the Doctors think it is. I sit here with the heat jacked up and a blanket and I'm still cold. I wrote this to rant. To let it out. Holding it in is doing more harm than good. Even though the odds are stacked against me...the symptoms looming in my face... I'm going to fight for my miracle. Not just sit back and expect one. I cant give up. My girls need me. Fighter from my first day on earth, the umbilical cord twice around my neck couldn't stop me. As long as I hold on and pray...Signs Miracles and Wonders. Peace
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Working Hard Is Hardly Working
I imagine if a screenwriter from a soap opera were to follow my life for the past four years I would have ratings through the roof. Even back further then that, I seem to be a magnet for drama. Dealing with a corrupt government agency through no fault of my own is driving meto my boiling point. I have ddefinitely been steaming for months. Apparently being a great parent means nothing if a bad parent says you aren't. These past few months have been filled with the most outrageous lies I have ever heard and I admit to being amused when the truth has gradually come out but sadly it matters not. On to myself I ruined my college career like an idiot. I wish I could go back eight years and slap myself silly screaming, "take this seriously you idiot you can't just go back!" I have been naive and now I must fight for the life my miracles deserve. I know its cryptic but between my blog my novel my kids my husband and my clash of clans I am swamped. Gotta go oatmeal and apples need to be mixed abd sneezed onto my forehead. Bye!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Miracles Happen
Its been 3 years since my last blog and I must say I got a miracle. I reread my only post and it was as if a stranger wrote it. My big idiot has become my loving husband. There was a point where we were single and pregnant for a month and a half. But we came together. Made it work, had not one but two perfect little girls whom I adore and now we will soon get custody of the son I will never deliver because I got sterilized. He is beautiful and looks surprisingly like our daughters and I love him with all my heart. His birth mother a monster and his father a rogue angel I feel as though I live in this twisted soap opera filled with baby mama dearest lies deceit and abuse. If I wrote an autobiography I would be accused of passing off fiction for truth. It's been a mind-bendingly surreal experience. However like I said previously I received my miracle. I am soon to become a working mother of three. As I get my girls ready to make the long drive to visit their brother in foster care, I realize our life as a family is soon to change for the better and I believe truly that this is the miracle I've been expecting.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
First Try
It's almost impossible to remember how we were pre pregnancy. Were we ever happy? It's almost as if we have entered into an ancient warzone of good versus evil. I hopefully am fighting for good. The life of my unborn baby nestled deep inside me, while he does everything in his power to keep me at the highest stress level possible. I find myself constantly asking myself, " is he trying to make me miscarry or did i just find the biggest most selfish idiot on the planet?" With the latter being the most likely.
Two years, a simple age difference of two years, myself of course being the elder, however he claims he is the most mature. Which I highly doubt considering I am expecting a miracle. At eleven weeks pregnant in a fifteen week relationship I find our circumstance most relatable to the motion picture Knocked Up. However funny it may seem later on, it is not now. I've spent a majority of my days cramping and shedding lonely teardrops like a fifties crooner.
It has been a great oppertunity considering for years I thought I was barren and sterile. I know that I will be a good mother, my only question is can I be a good father as well?
Two years, a simple age difference of two years, myself of course being the elder, however he claims he is the most mature. Which I highly doubt considering I am expecting a miracle. At eleven weeks pregnant in a fifteen week relationship I find our circumstance most relatable to the motion picture Knocked Up. However funny it may seem later on, it is not now. I've spent a majority of my days cramping and shedding lonely teardrops like a fifties crooner.
It has been a great oppertunity considering for years I thought I was barren and sterile. I know that I will be a good mother, my only question is can I be a good father as well?
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