Screw It...Just A Breast Cancer Scare

My new mantra... it's just a breast cancer scare. There is no diagnosis no proof, just symptoms.  So with that being said I'm going to try and not stroke out worrying about something I can't control. I sometimes feel myself hyperventilating and breaking out into tears because of my FEARS, not FACTS. What is in a name? Would a mass by any other name be less terrifying? Who knows?  I don't know all I know is I get confused, like trying to squeeze my left foot into my right boot or not being able to concentrate when people talk tome. Or other things. ..many other things. Like being so dehydrated after drinking 3 bottles of water in a row,  or worse,  peeing myself 4 to 5 times a day (which my fully potty trained 3 year old finds hilarious) and that saddens me even more.  She doesn't understand mommy may be sick. Mommy may not watch her grow..no I can't go  there yet. I'm not ready yet..it is too soon and I know nothing but speculations and guessing. I spent today basking in the beauty that is my daughters. I'm crying now and it's OK, words cannot express(cliche I know I don't care) how much they mean to me. Seriously how many 13 month old babies can count to 10? Or sneeze and say "God bless you" and "thank you" to herself, and to others? The level of intelligence with these two tiny versions of me is extraordinary. When my 3 year old knows her ABC's and can count to 30. She is an animal expert/lover she can recognize and name animals I didn't even know she knew.  How could I ever say goodbye to the two people who made my life worth living?  It shocks and appalls me to know there are mothers in this world who do not completely adore the little people who slid from their bodies.  Like my stepson I love him dearly. ..his mother sees a paycheck and a meal ticket and a way to latch onto people because she can not function as a singular human being.  She herself is a cancer destroying everything she touches, turning this beautiful gift from God into a chess piece, a pawn, a way to trap a man or birth mother of said man...weird I know I will most likely get into that another day. I fear I may not see the day that he is finally rescued from her abusive talons (yes she is in fact abusive and neglectful I am no hater I've seen how thin he was and starved for human contact because he was locked in a room without food or drink and left to die when she attempted suicide) and placed with his father (my husband of 3 years) and his sisters who adore him. To this day my eldest B will see Thomas the tank engine and go "mommy can we get this for J, he loves Thomas," and we have to say no because his mother won't allow any contact with him to even give him gifts. Her high and mighty attitude towards us and to think she had him in foster care for 15 months because she "doesn't know J's father" lies we were in court for contempt of a custody order. She is a monster. But not today on this post. Next post I will delve deeper but this, this is my love for my three children.  Yes he is my son and I love him like I love my daughters. I pray with all my heart I live to see him happy and unafraid living with a real family where there is no plotting back-stabbing and betrayal,  just love. I want my kids to know how much I love them and how I will fight every day to be there for them. To my precious girls I pray what I have is nothing so that they don't have to live in fear that mommy's genetics haven't condemned  them. So that I may comfort them in their sadness and rejoice with them in their joy. To my son I love you and wish you a normal happy life not being raised to hate us or believe we abandoned you because we did not. The two women that are your birth mom and your father's birth mom have done everything in their power to keep us apart as a family,  even going so far as to having your sisters torn from us and I pray that they do not destroy you the way they did the uncle you are named for. To my husband,  I love you flaws and all and if death does part us I pray you find true love and happiness in a woman wonderful enough for our children to call mommy. But most of all I pray to be with you till we are old and gray and that this lump is a speed bump and not a brick wall because love like this can work miracles. You have given me light where there was sadness and despair, joy where there was loneliness and worry, and love where there was darkness and hate. Thank you God for this man and these children who have turned this wild chaotic life into the best roller coaster I never want to get off of. Breast cancer is not in my future I embrace that wholeheartedly. This "scare" isn't going to scare me for long.  This is not the beginning of a cancer battle this will be the end of a cancer scare. I believe it and I receive it!