You Gotta Be Kidding Me

No its not a Happy New Year. I hate the Internet its brain crack.  You know its bad for you but you can't stop. Doing research trying to link my symptoms to something other than breast cancer that has spread to the pituitary gland but that's not working. Last year I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and surprise the medicine I took for a year is linked to causing breast cancer! Pituitary cancer causes blurred and double vision because it has been linked to hormonal eye changes...now why did that resonate with me? Maybe the reason is before my blood pressure problem I was diagnosed with keratoconus which is a degenerative eye disease where some type of mysterious hormone imbalances causes the cornea to weaken and lose its shape causing blurred and double vision.  My diagnosis isn't even confirmed and all I can think is...just cremate me its a lot cheaper. Migraines, breast lumps, and future blindness... if I had a future to look forward to. I am this mysterious perfect cluster fuck in everything I do and everything I am. When I fuck up I do it good and thoroughly.  It's like my skill in life. I remember a movie I seen with Jessica Alba and Dane Cook I forget the name but Alba's character was completely me and completely hotter. Her cute quirky walking disaster design spoke to me on deeper levels than the movie itself swam in...Good Luck Chuck...that was it. Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong does go wrong, literally the story if my life. I should change my name to Murphy's Law because that is me.  My.....my my my.... dammit I'm so selfish right now...what the fuck. My kids my 2 beautiful girls, the baby is one and the eldest three. Breast cancer is hereditary. Have I doomed them to constant doctors and tests poking and prodding from the time they turn twenty for the rest of their lives? What if I don't make it? Jeez look at me already planning my death on symptoms with no confirmed diagnosis in sight. Its just a mass right now. Nothing more. I have this defeated attitude already and yes I have had a real shitty life and death maybe more imminent than I thought but I could be hit by a bus and die tomorrow.  Its just crazy to look back on the life I had. I kinda thought I would have my happy ending by now. But ...not yet..maybe not ever...I have been holding off writing a story about my life because I don't believe I have reached my happy ending.  Now I'm beginning to realize not all endings are happy and mine may not be. I don't know. Maybe it will be I just have to wait and see. Unhappy Last Year to me and Happy New Year to you. Life sucks so make fun of it often and love the people you make with all your heart because they truly love you with the purest made love available.