I want a son. So badly it hurts. I can't believe I just wrote that. I have two beautiful daughters that I love more than life itself and I am beyond blessed to have them they ARE my MIRACLE!
In just don't feel complete. I DO have a stepson who I love with all my heart despite us being virtual strangers. I've cried more tears for my stepson than I have over everyone and everything in my life. I would literally sell my soul if it meant that his birther (I can't call a child abuser a mother you have no idea what she put him and his brother through and she shouldn't have goldfish let alone children but in order for children and youth services to save their own insignificant crooked asses for giving a mentally ill psychotic child abuser they had to cover up what she did which ended up putting those children back into her clutches. Its an insane and very long story, one I intend to tell...maybe I already have told it I can't remember... either way this is not that story) would FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER ALREADY IN PLACE AND JUST GIVE US WEEKENDS WITH OUR SON! Yes I just said that. I would sell my soul if it meant weekends with a child my husband did not make with me.
What woman says that? Do you know how many wives I've personally seen who HATED their husbands' illegitimate children? Who won't allow them in their homes or near family functions? Not me. I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars of my own money, sold my own belongings just to pay for that child, to buy him Christmas presents because his own incubator DID NOT! I even bought for his brother so he wouldn't feel left out because she won't let him have a father either! Its sick! But this is not that story right now. This is the story of how empty that space my boy, my son, has left in my heart and how desperately I yearn to fill it.
5 years ago I had gotten a tubal ligation because at the time my son was in foster care because children and youth is crooked, his birther is a pathological lying psychopathic sociopathic child abuser, and together they somehow hid the fact that my son had 2 loving parents he should have went to the minute the paramedics kicked that door in and saw him and his brother locked up like animals starving to death on the floor covered in feces just like the room they were in, eating bits of toys, furniture, paint chips, carpet to survive. Those children were so horrifically abused and traumatized that the foster mother adamantly demanded that those children never went back to that momster.... so children and youth replaced her. They made her believe that they were placing our son with us so she was willing for that but they put them with someone who was RELATED TO THE SOCIAL WORKER! Mind you my son's brother has been in foster care repeatedly for starvation and neglect, she is a REPEAT CHILD ABUSER! CHILDREN AND YOUTH ARE GIVING MONSTERS MORE CHANCES TO KILL KIDS!
Not getting our son broke us in ways you can't imagine. We still breakdown crying just hearing his name, clutching eachother while waves and waves of pure sorrow wash over us both. We lost a child and he's not dead. Just being held hostage by a psycho who refuses to allow us any contact and the court system does absolutely nothing. We have been to court numerous times in the past 7 years for her contempt and the courts do NOTHING! All our evidence we built up through the years means nothing, they don't even let us use it. She is a terror and in another post I will unload that. I am just spiraling right now getting caught up in the whirlpool of misery and anguish every time I try to explain how he is the missing piece of my heart, my soul, I get swept up in the pure fury and rage of the EVIL that is keeping us apart out of pure spite and fear. Fear that he will know what real love is. That he will know pure, real, true love from a real family. That he will see the misery that she puts him through is not normal and speak out against her abuse.
You don't know heartbreak until two three year old siblings(they are five months apart my daughter and my son and no one cheated on anyone he was conceived before I ever met my husband in a fling that involved a few different men...in the same night...my husband has super sperm I thought I was barren and he took it as a personal challenge since I only got pregnant once beforehand and lost it at 6 weeks after trying with my ex for years AND being dumped because of my infertility for a woman who already had a child...which is another long crazy story...well he managed to impregnate me in December, I met him in October... I didn't start sleeping with him until half way through November...less than a month of sex and 9 months later we had a little girl so his sperm is NO JOKE) are screaming and crying gripping eachothers arms and shirts while being torn apart because the supervised visit at the adoption agency they were held at was over. It broke every one's heart. He said repeatedly that he didn't want to go back to her, that he wanted to go with us. Children and youth saw this, saw he loved us, saw he was beginning to despise his birther so what did they do? They PREVENTED OUR VISITS FOR THREE MONTHS WHILE STILL ALLOWING HERS! Meanwhile they did everything they could to sabotage us. It was a nightmare. The adoption agency and foster mother who saw the birther was a monster and we were the obvious choice were changed and while we were forced away from him they were told by the birther and children and youth that we weren't showing up by choice, lying about us, making us the bad guys so that we lost when we went to court through children and youth, they covered up EVERYTHING! Even framed my husband for a crime he didn't commit... took us a year to beat the charges and have them dropped... a long crazy story for another time. We were dedicated to our son, before we were completely robbed from completing our family, we were under the belief that we were going to get full custody of him. So after the birth of our second daughter we were convinced that we would not HAVE to make a son of our own, that HE IS THAT SON, from the very beginning I loved him like my own and wanted to raise him with that love with my husband. So we decided that 2 daughters AND A SON was enough children so I had my tubes cut.
Once I realized that we were NEVER GETTING OUR SON, I began to deeply regret getting that tubal ligation. I didn't need to birth a son until I realized that I would have NO SON. He felt we abandoned him, that's what they told him, he was too young to know the truth. If you ever watched handmaid's tale when Hannah is face to face with June... it was just like that. He didn't and doesn't know that we fought like Arch Angels to be in his life....he just knows that we weren't in his life. They broke him. His little eyes seemed empty that day. They don't see that sweet boy for what he IS, they see him as a pawn, as property... they don't see that he is a PERSON! It broke my husband too. It broke us all. Every day we pray for him. Every day my daughters ask about him, cry for him. We only got to see him while he was in foster care. They never even notified my husband when they took his son from that slop house. I found out weeks after the fact by accident, they didn't know we were married. The letter came in my maiden name... the connection was we both had the same father name on our children's birth certificates.... COMPLETELY NEGATING THE LIE THEY TOLD THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHO HIS FATHER WAS DESPITE A DNA TEST DONE YEARS PRIOR, AN ACTIVE CUSTODY BATTLE FOR CONTEMPT OF THE COURT ORDERED AGREEMENT IN PLACE FOR YEARS, AND AN ACTIVE CHILD SUPPORT ORDER THAT WAS BEING PAID ALL BY MY HUSBAND AND THE FACT HIS NAME WAS ON THE DAMN BIRTH CERTIFICATE! WE GOT RAKED THROUGH THE COALS BECAUSE WE COULDN'T AFFORD A LAWYER AND SHE WAS ALREADY USING THE CHARITY ONES AND ITS A CONFLICT OF INTEREST!
I know life isn't fair but...come on... child abusers shouldn't have custody of children. Especially when there are two married parents who have healthy, happy children already!
So I have been praying like crazy for God to restore my tubed to working order. If you are reading this please pray for me too. I can never replace the son that was stolen from us, but I can ease that pain that I go through every day without him. We aren't perfect people. Since losing our son we were both pushed to our brinks, we were FINALLY coming back from that. Recently I started having symptoms of ovulation so when I was ovulating we made love several times. A week after ovulation I was surprised to see implantation bleeding. Then I started getting nausea and swelling in my breasts which were crazy sore and full of veins and my nipples were dark and bumpy. My cervix went from low closed and hard the day after ovulation to high soft closed when i spotted. I was pregnant and I knew it in my heart. I was happy. I was complete.
My husband, who only had a part time day job had just gotten hired full time at night for his second job, we were getting our lives back on track. So he went to a store to have a shirt bought for him for his new job...by his birther who he stupidly trusted although I begged him not to...she is the one who helped set him up...who made us lose our son before...all so she could get access to our son... the deal was to sabotage us and the other birther would let her in...well at least my son's birther double crossed her so my husband's birther got nothing. Lost her relationship with my children in the process. My husband's birther is also a child abusing momster, so much so that my husband was taken away by children and youth when he was 15 months old and he was ADOPTED by his real parents. They are estranged but I am working to mend that rift. They are good people. He made mistakes. He burned bridges, but bridges can be rebuilt.
Well the birther was supposed to go on the store to buy the clothes...which was stupid... had he come to me I would have gladly paid for everything...but alas... that isn't what happened. During his broken period a year ago he ended up on probation for trying to return stolen items. When you are on probation any police contact results in immediate ARREST. Well he had put everything down to go outside and see what was taking his birther so long to come inside...but he had forgotten he had a shirt around his neck. He does that all the time in stores....out of stores...he carries things around his neck for some reason...i wish he hadn't. His birther was furious that all her plots against him had failed, i always protected him, this time i couldn't, i wasn't there and he wouldn't hear me when I tried to convince him that she was out to get him....another crazy story for another time... so he walked straight into an adder's nest looking for a mother to love him, all he received was a knife in his back. That witch is dangerous, she drove his brother to suicide so she could gorge on attention and sympathies... another one of the 4 children OUT OF FIVE THAT SHE DIDN'T RAISE OR LOVE! So she saw her opportunity and took it. When the security woman came chasing him out of the store for the shirt she pulled off, leaving him there penniless...unable to pay for the shirt around his neck...making it a crime. The cops were called and he was jailed amd still in jail over one lousy shirt and i cried, i screamed, my heart raced until i was sick and dizzy. The stress and the strain was too much... I began to bleed very heavily.
I knew it wasn't a period. Too heavy, too many clots, too sick... I felt as if I were dying. Too much pain. Cramps like that are unnatural. Worse than labor pains. Labor pains were always happy pains to me...because they resulted in a child...but these pains only result in heartbreak. I could have let it go... believed that i was never pregnant in the first place but I had to know. I had to know if it was possible. If completing our family was even possible after a tubal ligation...maybe... at least i believe that it is... because during that horrible bleeding that lasted 7 days instead of my usual 4 i took a pregnancy test... and although it was incredibly faint, that second line did appear. I had hoped that maybe something would survive but a blood test showed that the amount was minuscule...and the next test i took was so light you could barely see it and the one i took today was completely stark white negative.
Its toxic to believe that had he not gone to prison that those tests would have gotten darker, that the bleed wouldn't have happened. That those sweet sweet symptoms would have gotten stronger instead of weaker but I refuse to accept such poisonous thoughts. What does it solve? All it will do is breed resentment.
Instead I mourn my child alone. A baby i will never hold. My husband doesn't even know anything yet because he is locked away and i can't have any contact for 10 days. Maybe I won't get a son on earth...i REFUSE to believe that. I hope and pray that when the time is finally right that God will grant me that, whether it be a son from my own womb or preferably my son who already exists. Like I said I'd give my soul just to have him in our lives for a fraction of the time. I feel like the the miscarriage before I met my husband and the now two chemical pregnancies that I have had with my husband would have all been sons. That's a toxic thought too. One way or another I am still Xpectin a MIRACLE. As long as I have faith I believe that it will happen someday. First things first...getting my husband away from his momster. Her constant sabotage is unnecessarily stressful. I hope someday soon I can feel that happiness again for that too short month. That feeling of fulfillment was unmatched...at least now I don't feel quite so empty....at least now I am filled with something.
Hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment