Hooray For Benign Tumor

Yay cancer free!!! Well my breast are anyways, still have to get my pituitary gland checked out but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Well that's it as far as I am concerned... this will be a short post because what I have to say next is so extreme so out of this world crazy that putting it with this post doesn't even make sense. I am going to take you all back to the beginning of my husbands troubles and struggles to be a father to the only son he will ever have. A precious boy we love with all our hearts and the monsters who do everything humanly possible to keep him from being with us while simultaneously pretending that they are victims that don't know why my husband has shunned them so. But before I get into his hard times I endure with him I need a post for myself.  When breast cancer was wished on me (plus death from it) I was also called a bad mother.  Which I call bullshit. So stay tuned because this next post will be pure ranting lol. Be warned because I need it.

To a Fake Friend

Dear Fake Friend,

You are a bitch. Lol. Seriously though this was the lowest of the low things to do to a person. You faked this perfect relationship I had no idea the issues you were going through with him. So when I found out you too broke up and why... I was under the impression that this was a random one time screw up. So I talked about my relationship and how we worked things out and how I couldn't imagine going through this breast cancer scare with out him and if all your ex did was material than don't give up just yet. And me praying you make the right decision means either way do what is right for you because I was still going to love (lmao) you anyways like a sister (ha yeah right) no matter what. Now if I knew that your "perfect" relationship was abusive it would have been a different story. And its laughable how you say I tried to turn you against your ex boyfriend's mother(because in reality that's what she is and that's so toxic on a New relationship no matter how you slice it) I told you from day one I don't care who you associated with as long as anything I shared with you stayed with you. So in what world was it okay to tell the primordial ooze my husband and your fiance crawled from that I may have breast cancer.  You were the sixth and last person I told. You know they hate me and that they are awful people who are psychos and child abusers and drug addicts who have threatened to kidnap my children. Can you imagine my surprise to see a beautiful post I wrote to the world about being kind to others marred by your only so called friends telling me I deserve to have breast cancer and die because I keep those monsters from my kids. You are an insane sick human being, just like your good buddies. I hope you have to watch at every"family" function your fiance loving up on his brother (my husband's) baby mama. They played you like a fiddle. To be honest I don't believe the abuse BS because all you portrayed was perfect soul mate love. You are the scum of the earth. Thank you for telling my whole family I may be dying because that was exactly the way I wanted them to find out. You and your overgrown high school dried up bullies will rot in hell forever right next to Judas in the lowest level of hell reserved for betrayers. I really appreciated having death by breast cancer wished on me and being told I deserve it. And thank you for saying I deserved to be tortured that way because I told you to pray on your relationship that was an added bonus. I honestly hope your fiance is having the time of his life on the money he got for selling the Christmas gifts you gave him. News flash its not stealing if its a gift you idiot so he will get away scott free for that one. So if you're anything like your insane buddies you made up the abuse because he can't be charged for selling a gift. Your fiance has smoked crack shot up heroine done every drug made to man most likely and you are undoubtedly the worst mistake he ever made. I am so happy to be rid of you and I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. So kindly go fuck yourself you coward ass bitch and choke on a dick thank you. And when you are old and alone and barren I hope you remember me and the "pain" you thought you were causing me because I told you the truth while you, like the disgusting oozing anal pus you associate with are horrible soulless liars.

Have an awful life, sincerely,

A person who honestly wouldn't give a shit if you spontaneously combusted this very instance.

P.s your fiance was an intravenous drug user and even though you wish death on me I honestly hope you dont have AIDS  :)

Screw It...Just A Breast Cancer Scare

My new mantra... it's just a breast cancer scare. There is no diagnosis no proof, just symptoms.  So with that being said I'm going to try and not stroke out worrying about something I can't control. I sometimes feel myself hyperventilating and breaking out into tears because of my FEARS, not FACTS. What is in a name? Would a mass by any other name be less terrifying? Who knows?  I don't know all I know is I get confused, like trying to squeeze my left foot into my right boot or not being able to concentrate when people talk tome. Or other things. ..many other things. Like being so dehydrated after drinking 3 bottles of water in a row,  or worse,  peeing myself 4 to 5 times a day (which my fully potty trained 3 year old finds hilarious) and that saddens me even more.  She doesn't understand mommy may be sick. Mommy may not watch her grow..no I can't go  there yet. I'm not ready yet..it is too soon and I know nothing but speculations and guessing. I spent today basking in the beauty that is my daughters. I'm crying now and it's OK, words cannot express(cliche I know I don't care) how much they mean to me. Seriously how many 13 month old babies can count to 10? Or sneeze and say "God bless you" and "thank you" to herself, and to others? The level of intelligence with these two tiny versions of me is extraordinary. When my 3 year old knows her ABC's and can count to 30. She is an animal expert/lover she can recognize and name animals I didn't even know she knew.  How could I ever say goodbye to the two people who made my life worth living?  It shocks and appalls me to know there are mothers in this world who do not completely adore the little people who slid from their bodies.  Like my stepson I love him dearly. ..his mother sees a paycheck and a meal ticket and a way to latch onto people because she can not function as a singular human being.  She herself is a cancer destroying everything she touches, turning this beautiful gift from God into a chess piece, a pawn, a way to trap a man or birth mother of said man...weird I know I will most likely get into that another day. I fear I may not see the day that he is finally rescued from her abusive talons (yes she is in fact abusive and neglectful I am no hater I've seen how thin he was and starved for human contact because he was locked in a room without food or drink and left to die when she attempted suicide) and placed with his father (my husband of 3 years) and his sisters who adore him. To this day my eldest B will see Thomas the tank engine and go "mommy can we get this for J, he loves Thomas," and we have to say no because his mother won't allow any contact with him to even give him gifts. Her high and mighty attitude towards us and to think she had him in foster care for 15 months because she "doesn't know J's father" lies we were in court for contempt of a custody order. She is a monster. But not today on this post. Next post I will delve deeper but this, this is my love for my three children.  Yes he is my son and I love him like I love my daughters. I pray with all my heart I live to see him happy and unafraid living with a real family where there is no plotting back-stabbing and betrayal,  just love. I want my kids to know how much I love them and how I will fight every day to be there for them. To my precious girls I pray what I have is nothing so that they don't have to live in fear that mommy's genetics haven't condemned  them. So that I may comfort them in their sadness and rejoice with them in their joy. To my son I love you and wish you a normal happy life not being raised to hate us or believe we abandoned you because we did not. The two women that are your birth mom and your father's birth mom have done everything in their power to keep us apart as a family,  even going so far as to having your sisters torn from us and I pray that they do not destroy you the way they did the uncle you are named for. To my husband,  I love you flaws and all and if death does part us I pray you find true love and happiness in a woman wonderful enough for our children to call mommy. But most of all I pray to be with you till we are old and gray and that this lump is a speed bump and not a brick wall because love like this can work miracles. You have given me light where there was sadness and despair, joy where there was loneliness and worry, and love where there was darkness and hate. Thank you God for this man and these children who have turned this wild chaotic life into the best roller coaster I never want to get off of. Breast cancer is not in my future I embrace that wholeheartedly. This "scare" isn't going to scare me for long.  This is not the beginning of a cancer battle this will be the end of a cancer scare. I believe it and I receive it!

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

No its not a Happy New Year. I hate the Internet its brain crack.  You know its bad for you but you can't stop. Doing research trying to link my symptoms to something other than breast cancer that has spread to the pituitary gland but that's not working. Last year I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and surprise the medicine I took for a year is linked to causing breast cancer! Pituitary cancer causes blurred and double vision because it has been linked to hormonal eye changes...now why did that resonate with me? Maybe the reason is before my blood pressure problem I was diagnosed with keratoconus which is a degenerative eye disease where some type of mysterious hormone imbalances causes the cornea to weaken and lose its shape causing blurred and double vision.  My diagnosis isn't even confirmed and all I can think is...just cremate me its a lot cheaper. Migraines, breast lumps, and future blindness... if I had a future to look forward to. I am this mysterious perfect cluster fuck in everything I do and everything I am. When I fuck up I do it good and thoroughly.  It's like my skill in life. I remember a movie I seen with Jessica Alba and Dane Cook I forget the name but Alba's character was completely me and completely hotter. Her cute quirky walking disaster design spoke to me on deeper levels than the movie itself swam in...Good Luck Chuck...that was it. Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong does go wrong, literally the story if my life. I should change my name to Murphy's Law because that is me.  My.....my my my.... dammit I'm so selfish right now...what the fuck. My kids my 2 beautiful girls, the baby is one and the eldest three. Breast cancer is hereditary. Have I doomed them to constant doctors and tests poking and prodding from the time they turn twenty for the rest of their lives? What if I don't make it? Jeez look at me already planning my death on symptoms with no confirmed diagnosis in sight. Its just a mass right now. Nothing more. I have this defeated attitude already and yes I have had a real shitty life and death maybe more imminent than I thought but I could be hit by a bus and die tomorrow.  Its just crazy to look back on the life I had. I kinda thought I would have my happy ending by now. But ...not yet..maybe not ever...I have been holding off writing a story about my life because I don't believe I have reached my happy ending.  Now I'm beginning to realize not all endings are happy and mine may not be. I don't know. Maybe it will be I just have to wait and see. Unhappy Last Year to me and Happy New Year to you. Life sucks so make fun of it often and love the people you make with all your heart because they truly love you with the purest made love available.