wtf wake up call

Seriously a wtf moment. Needing another miracle always needing a miracle. How did I get this far in life? Miracles thats how. I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be but I am. I'm terrified. All I can think is, "omg I'm going to die!!!" And that is crazy talk because I know nothing for sure but adding up the facts of this past year isn't good. ..its bad...really bad. So earlier this year all my blood tests show a high white blood cell count. I had a huge amount if allergenic reactions later and I had a CT scan on my abdomen which showed my lymph nodes were all swollen. Later that month I discovered a pea sized lump at 1 o'clock on my left breast. I acknowledged it to my family it was brushed off because for some reason they believe I am a hypochondriac even tho Avery time I said something was wrong with me there really was. I literally walked on a broken knee with disconnected and torn tendons because no one believed me and convinced me it was all in my head ... until recently did I finally figure out that I know my body they don't. I had to sit through xrays and mris and orthopedic drs appointments where I had to endure being stared at like a psycho because they cant figure out how for 6 years I suffered like this. When I say everyone told me it's all in my head I look like an even bigger idiot. Back to the lump I ignored it for 4 months because I was told by unnamed family members that my knee was more important and that there is nothing in my breast. So I did. Fast forward 4 months and a knee surgery plus almost full recovery I get checked out because I'm having pregnancy symptoms and I know I'm not pregnant.  Had tests done and my tubes are tied.  But I am always tired always cold I have hypertension get really bad headaches "diagnosed as migraines, intense thirst and cravings for water and a crazy ridiculous need to pee. Had my urine checked no infections I have had this problem a lot. .wet myself a lot... embarrassing yes but I wanted to know why. ..now I'm wishing I buried my head in the sand like I did my knee. They believe it is diabetes insipidis.  A problem with the pituitary gland that is in my head below my brain.  Around the same spot my headaches have been in. The only logical cause of diabetes insipidis is pituitary cancer that has spread from breast cancer. Let me take a pause...feel the fear and shock I felt researching. Don't research anything. ..it ruins your life. The other causes are medicines I don't take, alcohol abuse (I don't drink) head trauma (nope) and brain surgery (nope) but breast cancer....I found a lump. ..a pea sized lump...in September... that pea is now a lima bean... and my breast hurt on the outsides and into my armpits. The lymph nodes in my neck are swollen but my tests for that were negative. ..I'm fat because I eat not a glandular problem...but I've lost weight. .suddenly. .without trying. ..but the lump itself...there is no pain. It sits in its fatty throne if breast tissue.  An enigma.  Taunting me letting me know everyday that it is there and I have no clue what it is and if it is what the Doctors think it is.  I sit here with the heat jacked up and a blanket and I'm still cold. I wrote this to rant. To let it out. Holding it in is doing more harm than good. Even though the odds are stacked against me...the symptoms looming in my face... I'm going to fight for my miracle.  Not just sit back and expect one. I cant give up. My girls need me. Fighter from my first day on earth, the umbilical cord twice around my neck couldn't stop me. As long as I hold on and pray...Signs Miracles and Wonders.  Peace

Working Hard Is Hardly Working

I imagine if a screenwriter from a soap opera were to follow my life for the past four years I would have ratings through the roof. Even back further then that, I seem to be a magnet for drama. Dealing with a corrupt government agency through no fault of my own is driving meto my boiling point. I have ddefinitely been steaming for months.  Apparently being a great parent means nothing if a bad parent says you aren't.  These past few months have been filled with the most outrageous lies I have ever heard and I admit to being amused when the truth has gradually come out but sadly it matters not. On to myself I ruined my college career like an idiot. I wish I could go back eight years and slap myself silly screaming, "take this seriously you idiot you can't just go back!" I have been naive and now I must fight for the life my miracles deserve. I know its cryptic but between my blog my novel my kids my husband and my clash of clans I am swamped. Gotta go oatmeal and apples need to be mixed abd sneezed onto my forehead. Bye!

Miracles Happen

Its been 3 years since my last blog and I must say I got a miracle. I reread my only post and it was as if a stranger wrote it. My big idiot has become my loving husband.  There was a point where we were single and pregnant for a month and a half. But we came together. Made it work,  had not one but two perfect little girls whom I adore and now we will soon get custody of the son I will never deliver because I got sterilized.  He is beautiful and looks surprisingly like our daughters and I love him with all my heart. His birth mother a monster and his father a rogue angel I feel as though I live in this twisted soap opera filled with baby mama dearest lies deceit and abuse. If I wrote an autobiography I would be accused of passing off fiction for truth. It's been a mind-bendingly surreal experience.  However like I said previously I received my miracle. I am soon to become a working mother of three. As I get my girls ready to make the long drive to visit their brother in foster care, I realize our life as a family is soon to change for the better and I believe truly that this is the miracle I've been expecting.